She-Blah and the Princess Squad
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Join Adora and her new BFFs Glimmer and Bow as they battle the Evil Horde and Adora's ex- er, I mean...old partner- no wait that doesn't help, um...previous best friend/household pet? Can she harness the power of She-Blah and save the world of Etheria, or will the Evil Horde prove too strong and evil? Enjoy the episodes of She-Ra, rewritten to be incredibly stupid and funny!
1. Episode 1: The Bored: Part One

Author's Note: Hiya, Dilly-Oh here again with another parody. I'm still doing my Dragon Brat series but started doing this as well because I felt like it. Enjoy!

She-Blah

Episode One

The Bored: Part One

Amidst the stars, a shimmering planet with many moons hung in the darkness of space. On that planet, in a craggy, hollowed out rift was a twisted, jumbled fortress of machinery and ancient technology.

Alone in her room, a young girl was busily getting ready for the day. She pulled on her boots and yanked her blond hair back into a ponytail. A toothbrush in her mouth, she turned to glare over her shoulder at a punching bag with a printout of Disney Princesses taped on it.

"You looking at me, Sleeping Beauty?" she asked, narrowing her eyes as she spat in the sink. "I'll knock your ass out so hard you won't _ever_ wake up." She rolled out a line of floss and started flossing her gums. "Jasmine, you're gonna have to use one of those three wishes after I send you to a whole new world." She slammed a leg up onto the sink and started shaving. "And Snow White? No Prince will wanna kiss you after I'm done with-"

*_Bzzzrt_!* The intercom buzzed on overhead. _"Adora, stop talking to your punching bag and get to the training area already."_

"Ugh, fine!" The girl punched the bag one last time, then turned and started for the exit. The bag came swinging back and hit her in the ass, sending her flying out the door. "Ow, SHIT- nobody saw that, right?" She scrambled to her feet and dusted herself off, then glared back at Mulan. "I'll make a man outta YOU-"

"_NOW, Adora_!"

"Ugh, FINE!" She jogged off down the hallway to a large room. Other cadets were lined up in a row, wearing similar gear, goggles and chest plates. One was a lizard, another a weedy-looking boy, and the final one a tough girl with dreadlocks.

"At attention, maggots!" The instructor, a weird blue spiky…_thing_, came strolling in, a computer pad in one hand. "Your simulation is about to begin. Here's your scenario." He pushed a button on his tablet and a holographic picture of woods popped up. "You're making your way through the treacherous Whispering Woods to reach the heart of the rebel insurgency: Bright Moon."

"Dammit, I was hoping for a coffeshop AU," someone muttered.

"Enemies-to-lovers for me," said another.

"Your mission is to defeat the Queen of the Princesses in the name of Lord Hordak." The instructor paused, glancing at the cadets. "Where's Catra?"

"She'll be here!" The blond girl said quickly. "She's probably...in the litter-box. Hang on, I'll call her." She pulled out a bag of cat-treats and shook it noisily, clucking her tongue a few times. "Huh, usually she comes running when I do that-"

"I hope she knows attendance is fifty percent of the grade," the instructor cut in. "Anyway. The Whispering Woods is filled with Princesses, vicious, violent instigators. They _will_ kill you if given the chance, or worse…they'll break into _song_." The cadets all shuddered in horror. "Begin!"

"Yes, sir!" The blond girl saluted smartly before hesitating. "I mean…ma'am? …Thing?"

"_GO_!"

The cadets all dashed out into the training area, a much larger room filled with pillars. Round robots with legs, wearing dresses and tiaras, popped out from behind the pillars and began shooting lasers. Everyone ran behind cover, dodging and weaving.

"Follow me, guys!" The blond girl called, taking charge and waving the others over. They all ran together deeper into the room. One robot suddenly popped up and started firing. "Watch out!" She immediately grabbed the weedy-looking kid and used him as a body shield. He screamed in agony as the laser hit and fell to the ground, a big red X appearing on his chest plate.

"Dammit, Kyle!" the girl snapped angrily.

"I didn't do anything!" Kyle protested. "YOU did that! I think I cracked a rib!"

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you deserved it-"

The group looked up to see that they were surrounded by robots.

"Okay well now you _definitely_ deserved it-"

"How is this MY fault?!"

"Don't worry, Kyle!" The girl assured him. "You're still useful…"

"Oh thank you so much I knew you wouldn't abandon me-"

"…As bait!" The girl stood up and cupped her hands around her mouth. "What's THAT, Kyle? You're secretly a PRINCE? Looking to MARRY? For LOVE, not MONEY?!" She kicked the boy away. "Run while they devour him alive!" She and the others ran, ignoring Kyle's terrified screams as the robots closed in.

The cadets hurried on, emerging in an open area of the training room. The panels beneath their feet turned red and began to drop into blackness.

"Man, they have _really_ got to repair these shitty floors- oh no wait this is part of the training. Everyone watch out! The floor is lava! We've trained for this!" The blond girl moved quickly to keep her footing. From a large hole in the floor, a huge robot emerged, unfolding its legs and looming menacingly. A dainty crown was perched atop its head, a smear of lipstick and mascara on its front. "There she is! The Queen! I've got her!" She pulled out a retractable pole and jumped around the room, dodging lasers and smashing bits off of the robot. With one final swing, she sent it crashing to the ground beside the hole and fell back, winded.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late," a young cat-girl with bushy hair, red clothing, and cat ears and a tail stood there, holding a cup of coffee and donut. "Actually you know what, I'm not sorry at all, this is _delicious_." She took a nice, long sip. "_Ahhhhh_. So what'd I miss?" The cadets stared at her in disbelief. "What?" She glanced behind her and saw the robot teetering on the edge. "Oh." She paused, then did was cats do best: batted it off the edge. "You're welcome, losers. What would you suckers have done without me to save your sorry asses?"

"KYLE YOU PIECE OF SHIT-"

"HOW IS THIS _MY_ FAULT?!"

The panels beneath the blond girl suddenly turned red and dropped. She fell with a cry. The cat-girl sauntered over and peeked over the edge.

"Hey, Adora." She paused, then snorted. "Hang in there."

"Now is _not_ the time for cat memes, Catra!" Adora glared up at her, hanging suspended from her pole.

"Okay, fine, I'll just leave-"

"Have I mentioned how much I love Grumpy Cat?" Catra laughed and reached down to pull her up. Once she was back on her feet, Adora brushed herself off and sighed. "I can't believe you showed up late and stole all of our hard work-"

"Oh hey by the way can I copy your homework-"

"Okay, never mind, I totally believe it."

"_Training exercise successfully completed_," the intercom buzzed. "_Get the fuck out_."

-Later-

Afterwards, Adora was changing in the locker room. She sighed as she pulled off her gear and opened her locker.

"Hey, Adora."

"_Gah_!" Adora jumped back. "How did you even FIT in there?"

"Ha!" Catra snickered, hopping out of the locker. "You should've seen the look on your face. It was _hilarious_. So goofy. Look, you're doing it now!" Adora glanced at the mirror.

"…That's just my normal face-"

"Exactly! Now come on, let's hit the showers!" Catra grabbed her and started licking her cheek.

"Ew! Gross, Catra! Get off!"

"Uh, you're welcome, I was helping you _exfoliate_-"

"You need to grow up!" Adora grumbled, pulling on a red jacket and cinching her belt. "You are SO juvenile- _ohmigosh a mouse_!"

"_FFFTTTT_!" Catra snarled, whirling around with claws out and launching herself at-

Kyle.

"…He deserved that, too," Adora said over the screams. "Seriously, why are you in the girl's locker room? _Creep_."

"_**Adoraaaaaa**_…" A sinister woman in red robes and a mask slithered out from the shadows, hissing. The girls gasped aloud and drew back. "How was training, sweetie? Are you hungry? I packed you a lunch. You're my big, growing girl!"

"Shadow Weaver!" Adora saluted her, then opened the lunchbox. "Ooh, Lunchables!"

"Sweet, is that tuna-"

"No! Bad kitty!" Shadow Weaver whipped out a spray bottle and sprayed Catra right in the face. She jerked back, hissing. "It's for Adora! Do you see Meow Mix in there? No? Then it's not for you! Keep your paws off!" Her sharp tone suddenly softened. "Adoraaa, walk with me." Adora glanced apologetically at her friend, slipped her the tuna, and hurried out after the woman. The two began to walk down the fortress hallway.

"Lord Hordak has been watching you," Shadow Weaver said, "and he is _very_\- hold my hand, sweetie, we're crossing the hallway- impressed with your abilities. Your report card was very good this semester, and you're on the honor roll! You know what that means—ice cream party! He thinks you will make a fine candidate for Class President- I mean…Force Captain."

"Ohmigosh REALLY?" Adora's eyes sparkled with excitement.

"Yessss," Shadow Weaver answered proudly, "he sees great promise in you. In fact, he is giving you the responsibility of leading a squadron against the rebel fortress of Thaymor! Isn't that nice? You'll have to send him a Thank-You card! I have the perfect stickers just for it!"

"You mean…I finally get to go on a _field trip_?!" Adora gasped in delight. "I'll see active duty?! I'll finally be able to actually punch someone in the FACE? I mean, someone _other_ than the other cadets, mostly Kyle. _Ooh_, Catra is going to be so _psyched_!"

"YOU are going," Shadow Weaver cut her off short. "THEY are not. I only signed your permission slip, sweetie, not theirs."

"But…" Adora slumped, disappointed. "But the others have been working so hard- well, not Catra, she just sleeps in and comes in late and steals all of our hard work- but she _really_ does want to get out there and show everyone what she's capable of-"

"Catra is flunking all of her classes," Shadow Weaver cut her off again. "She has spent more time in detention than in actual class. Plus I think she's smoking catnip. That cat-girl is a bad influence. This is what I _raised_ you for, Adora." She raised her hands and in a puff of smoke, a badge appeared. She held it out. "Now is your time to prove yourself. I saw talent in you the moment I found you as an orphan child and you punched me in the face. Isn't this what you have wanted since you were a child?" She gestured out the window at the view of the sinister fortress around them.

Adora stood there for a long moment, staring off into space as she reminisced…

"I wanna be a Power Ranger!" Five-year old Adora cried excitedly. Then she ran into a wall.

Adora blinked, coming back to herself in a rush.

"…Yup. Definitely. This is definitely what I want." She took the badge and stuffed it in her pocket.

"With you at the forefront, we will _crush_ the Bright Moon rebellion once and for all! Do NOT disappoint me." Shadow Weaver paused, her words heavy with dark intent. "Dinner is at seven! I'm making spaghetti and meatballs. Don't be late, sweetie! Tee-hee!" She slithered off back into the shadows, hissing lowly.

"Okay, bye mom!" Adora called after her, waving. She stood there for a long moment. "…I trust her _completely_!"

"_You're a fucking idiot_," the intercom buzzed.

-Elsewhere-

Meanwhile, at a beautiful fortress at the bottom of a cascading waterfall, a young girl with short pink hair, wearing purple shorts and cape waited nervously at the entrance to the throne room.

"Send her in," a voice called from inside. The girl took a deep, steadying breath and began to walk into a round hall, which was ringed with robed guards holding staffs. She walked elegantly, the picture of grace and-

"Sweetie, stand up straight, you're _slouching_-"

"Mom!"

"I'm serious, Glimmer! Good posture is important. It makes your breasts look bigger." The Queen, a tall, willowy woman with long hair and wings sat on a raised throne. "Now, care to explain yourself? Why did you lead the rebellion into a fight after I ordered you to retreat? Were you selflessly trying to save a village from the Horde and be a hero to the common people of our land?"

"No, actually. I was pissed and didn't want to listen to you."

"_Glimmer_!"

"Come on, mom!" Glimmer threw up her arms. "How are we ever going to defeat the Horde if all we do is run away?! Pretty soon there won't be anything left for us to defend! Why'd you even _make_ me a Commander if you won't let me _fight_?!" She paused. "Is this even REAL?" She lifted up her Commander badge.

"Of…of course it is," the Queen began weakly. Glimmer continued glaring at her in silence. "…Alright, no, it isn't. I got it from a cereal box."

"I can't believe you!"

"Darling, I know you're upset and crampy because you're on your _period_-"

"_MOM_! Oh my _GOD_!"

"Do _not_ raise your voice at me, young lady!" The Queen pointed off to the side. "Go to your room! You're _grounded_!"

"WHAT?! That's bullshit!"

"Don't backtalk me! You know how I hate fighting in front of the guards, it upsets them-"

"I dunno," one guard spoke up, "I kinda think you're being a little unfair-"

"You shut your mouth unless you want to be grounded too!" The guard quieted immediately. The Queen pointed again. "Now! Go to your room!"

"FINE!" Glimmer exploded, storming off in a huff.

"And pick up your feet, I can hear them dragging from here!" The Queen called after her. Glimmer stomped harder. "That's _better_!"

-Back with Adora-

Back at the Horde fortress, Adora stood outside on a terrace, brooding over her Force Captain badge.

"Hey, Adora." Catra popped her head up from beneath the railing. Adora screamed and threw herself backwards. "What's that you got there? Another gold star sticker from your _mom_?" She snatched the badge out of Adora's hands and hopped up out of reach on a pipe.

"No, wait! Give that back!" Adora jumped to her feet. "Dammit, I have no treats to trade for it-"

"No way! You got _promoted_?!" Catra gasped. "You Teacher's Pet! This is great! Now we're going to see the world and conquer it!" Her eyes shone with glee. "I am going to punch. So. Much. SHIT."

"Um, sorry," Adora cut her off awkwardly, "but Shadow Weaver says…you're not invited."

"_What_?! Why not?!" Catra's fur ruffled in outrage. "Seriously, what's her _problem_ with me?!"

"Well you _did_ scratch up her couch and favorite drapes-"

"No, it must be Kyle's fault." Catra's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm totally gonna puke in his shoes later." She looked away, upset, and began climbing the pipe.

"Hey, wait, Catra! Come back, don't go up there!" Adora called. It was too late. Catra had already climbed up and out of reach.

In her cat-tree.

"I never should have bought you that," Adora muttered to herself. She sighed and went to join her, sitting at the base of the tree, Catra hanging half in/half out of the top. "I'm sorry, Catra. I didn't know you wanted to be a Force Captain."

"I _don't_," Catra sniffed irritably. "Here, take your stupid badge." She tossed it back. It sailed over the edge of the railing and went pinging all the way down. "...I'm not going to get that."

"It's fine, I'll have her make me another." Adora looked up at her. "Come on, I've been working for this my entire life, can't you be happy for me?"

"I thought you wanted to be a Power Ranger."

"…I told you that in confidence-"

"I just wanna get OUT of this dump before I die of boredom," Catra groaned, flopping over dramatically. "Or before they have me fixed. I mean, I don't even KNOW what's outside the Fright Zone, anyway." She paused for a moment. "Probably a Mcdonalds." Adora snorted, then looked up at her friend with a wry smile.

"…Wanna go stare at the corner for no reason to freak people out?"

"Naw, I'm not in the mood."

"…Wanna get high on catnip and steal a skiff?"

"Fuck yeah."

-One Stolen Skiff Later-

"Holy shit, you're awesome! I can't believe you _stole_ this!" Catra cried, the two of them riding through the wide, empty desert aboard a small vehicle with a sail.

"I didn't steal it, I _borrowed_ it," Adora corrected her.

"I'm pretty sure when you knock someone out it's stealing."

"He's going to get it back!"

"As well as his higher brain function, too, I hope."

"I didn't hit him that hard!"

"I take back everything I said to the others about you being a huge nerd!"

"Hey, thanks, that really- wait what did you say about me?"

They zoomed over the sand, driving through craggy peaks, the brilliant sunset washing the sky in front of them a deep red.

"Let me drive!" Catra said, grabbing the steering stick.

"_Wait I don't have liability insurance I'm not covered for this_-"

Almost immediately, they began to lose control of the vehicle as they fought over the controls. They barely managed to screech to a halt at the edge of a thick wood with winding trees and hanging vines.

"Whoa…what is this place?" Catra asked in a hushed voice.

"I think this is the Whispering Woods," Adora whispered back. "There are monsters in there, and every Horde squadron that's entered have never returned-"

"Pffft, why would they call it the Whispering Woods, that's the _dumbest_ name I've ever heard-"

"_Says the cat that's named Catra_," the woods whispered back.

"What did you say to me?!"

"_I said…biiiiitch_-"

"That's it! You're gonna get it!" Catra seized the steering stick again, charging the skiff deeper into the woods. "Say that to my face!"

"I can't believe you're _actually_ fighting with a forest!" Adora shouted, struggling to regain control of the vehicle. They crashed through branches and scored tree trunks in their mad flight. "Slow down! We're going to-"

They sideswiped a tree and Adora went flying, tumbling off the skiff and landing heavily in a shrub.

"…That. We're going to that." Her eyes rolled up and she flopped over, unconscious.

-Later-

A while later, Adora slowly sat up, groaning. She spat out a mouthful of leaves and looked at her surroundings blearily.

"Ugggh I'm totally going to lose my driver's license- Catra? Hello?" She glanced around, but saw no sign of her friend. "I swear to God she better not be stuck in a tree again. That'll be, like, the third time this week I have to call the Fire Department." Suddenly she gasped at the sight of a shining sword tangled in a nest of roots, a shaft of light shining down on it. "Whoa, cool!" Adora got to her feet and walked closer, her eyes gleaming with interest. Unable to resist, she slowly reached out a hand to- "_Psych_! You seriously think I'm dumb enough to touch something that looks magical? Get real! How stupid do you think I am?" She snorted and turned to walk away, tripped on one of the roots, pin-wheeled her arms for a second, then fell on her face. One flailing hand hit the sword's pommel, and it exploded with light. Adora shrieked as strange images bitch-slapped her mind, accompanied with a mysterious voice.

"_Balance must be restored_," the voice intoned. "_Etheria must seek a hero_." The voice paused. "_Thank you for your order, please drive around to the next window_." Adora could hear a baby crying and saw strange people and places, as well as a few Superbowl ads and a creepy clown making balloon animals- _wait what_\- finally, she saw a vision of a female warrior with long, flowing hair and a gleaming sword that she could have _sworn_-

"_Adora_," the voice said. "_Adora_…hey, Adora!"

Adora's eyes popped open. Catra sat on her chest, batting at her face with one hand.

"Finally. I thought you were dead." Catra pouted. "Feed me."

"Can't…_breathe_!" she wheezed out.

"Oh, sorry." Catra hopped off of her. "You okay? Did you hit your head? Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?" She held up her middle finger.

"Okay that's not even funny-"

"Yup you're totally fine." Catra rolled her eyes. "Still the same old tight-ass."

"I do squats!"

"Not what I meant. _Anyway_, did you get the license plate of whoever we hit? I'm taking that asshole to _court_-"

"It was a TREE!"

"Oh." Catra blinked. "…Well then I'm chopping that bitch down and then taking it to _court_-"

"Are you sure _you're_ not the one who got brain damage?" Adora sat up, scowling. "Wait, where is it where, did it go?!" She looked around desperately. "There was a sword here, I swear! I touched it and it got super bright and then there was a _clown_ and he took balloon animal requests and I asked for a GIRAFFE-"

"Alright, I think you've had too much catnip," Catra cut her off, helping her up. "C'mon, let's go home."

"You snorted all the catnip, I'm totally clean!"

"Okay then, let's see you walk a straight line and follow my middle finger-"

They continued arguing all the way back to the skiff, which was double-parked and had a ticket stuck under the wiper.

"I am NOT paying this!" Adora snatched the ticket off and tore it in half, the two of them boarding the skiff to begin the long drive back to the Horde Fortress. "My insurance rate better not go up because of this…"

"_Yeah, that's right, leave, bitch_-"

"You MOTHER-" Catra tried to grab the steering stick again.

"Don't you _dare_!" Adora hollered.

-Back at Bright Moon-

Back at Bright Moon, a mysterious figure snuck closer to the castle through the surrounding woods, moving quietly and stealthily, sticking to the shadows. They stopped at the edge of the trees, where a cliff created a natural moat around the fortress, and began spying on the Princess through a circular window. Inside, Glimmer sulked in her room, laying on a couch with pillows while writing in her diary.

"I know that mom loves me, but sometimes she's too controlling and I feel bad. I just wish that she would have more faith in me as her daughter and allow me the freedom to act as I choose." She sighed and sat back. "Okay, that's enough for my decoy diary that Mom will find and read. Time for my _real_ one." She tossed the fake diary aside and pulled out her real one. "Dear diary. Mom's a bitch."

The shadowed figure readied an arrow, aiming it with deadly accuracy. Once the target was sighted, the arrow was released, shooting through the window and hitting it dead-center. Glimmer screamed-

"_PRINCESS PEE-PEE NOOOO_!"

One of her stuffed animals was pinned to the wall, impaled by the arrow. She tore it free and stomped over to the window.

"I told you to stop doing that, Bow!" She hissed. She held up her disemboweled stuffed hamster. "Look, you killed Princess Pee-Pee!"

"Oh my God! I'm a _murderer_!" The stranger, an adorable young man in a crop top, belt and boots, burst into tears. "I'm SO sorry! We'll have a funeral for her and everything! I'll order a casket and some lovely flowers-"

"Stop shouting!"

"What?"

"_Shh_!" Glimmer leaned further out her window. "Be _quiet_! I'm _grounded_!" Bow pulled out a loudspeaker.

"**WHAT**?"

"Argh!" Glimmer teleported over to him in a cloud of sparkles, grabbed his arm, and teleported back into her bedroom.

"...I think my underwear is on backwards now," Bow stated after a pause.

"Oh my God, speaking about panties in a twist, I'm SO mad at Mom right now-"

"Is this about how we snuck out last week to go clubbing because I _told_ her that it was the bake club-"

"You _told_ her about that?!" Glimmer gaped at him in disbelief. "She grounded me after I refused to give up my chocolate-chip cookie recipe!"

"Oh." Bow winced. "Sorry. My bad."

"Anyway, I'm talking about that botched battle. I was just trying to prove myself! I don't understand why she gets so mad. It's just not fair." She teleported up to her hanging bed and went on as Bow began to tidy up her room. "She acts like I can't do anything because I'm just a Princess!"

"Uh, _everyone_ here is a Princess," Bow said, then paused. "I'm, like, the only one who _isn't_." He paused again. "Which is ridiculous because I look _great_ in a dress."

"Why doesn't she trust me?!"

"Maybe it's because your teleporting powers aren't that great?" Bow said cautiously.

"What?! You take that back!" Glimmer glared down at him, then disappeared in a cloud of sparkles. She was gone for several moments, then finally reappeared next to him, dripping wet.

"...You fell in the river, didn't you."

"Shut up!"

"You have a fish in your hair." Bow paused while folding her underwear. "Are you grumpy cuz you're on your period-"

"Not you too!"

"Well, don't worry, cuz I've got just the thing to cheer you up! Here, this'll be _sure_ to impress your mom!"

"Bow, please, not more cookies-"

"No, this!" He pulled out a small gadget with a lit-up screen. "I've detected a piece of First One tech in the Whispering Woods! Let's go get it for her!"

"Did you forget I'm _grounded_-"

*_Knock knock_*

"Glimmer? Are you in there?" Queen Angella called from the other side of the door. "My mother senses are tingling. Also I installed several cameras and a baby monitor. Is there a boy in your room?" Glimmer choked, panicking, and grabbed hold of Bow, teleporting away. They appeared in the lady's bathroom to the accompaniment of several high-pitched screams, mostly from Bow. Glimmer let him go and teleported back to her room.

"Everything's fine, Mom!" she called. "Go away! I'm, like, _super_ crampy! My flow is like…really heavy today!"

"I heard voices! Is someone in there with you?"

"No, Mom! I was…practicing kissing on pillows and other girl stuff! Can you leave me alone now?"

"Well, all right. Make sure to work the tongue, that's the secret to a good kiss-"

"_Mom_! That's gross!"

"Watch your tone, young lady! You listen to me when I am giving you tips-"

After a few minutes of yelling, Glimmer teleported back into the lady's bathroom.

"I'm in- are you peeing in there?"

"Be out in a minute," Bow said from inside the stall.

-Back at the Horde Fortress-

Inside the sinister fortress, the cadets were all fast asleep in their spare bunks. Adora also lay in bed, Catra curled up on her feet. Adora twisted and turned in her sleep, plagued with images of the strange woman and sword from earlier. Suddenly she jerked awake, sitting bolt upright and screaming her head off.

"_AAAAAAA_\- how did that not wake anyone up oh wait that's how we always wake up here. It's perfectly normal." She blinked, then looked down at her friend still sleeping on her feet. "_Aww_." With great care, she replaced her feet with a small cardboard box, which Catra immediately curled up in, slipped out of bed, and pulled on her jacket and boots. Checking behind her one last time, she snuck towards the door and opened it.

"Hey, Adora."

"GAH!" Adora jumped back, face-to-face with Catra. "What- how did- but you were just over-" She sighed in resignation. "I don't even want to know."

"Where you going?" Catra asked, cocking her head.

"Uh…the bathroom."

"_No she's not_," the intercom interrupted. "_She's a lying bitch_."

"Shut the fuck up- okay, fine! You got me. I'm going back to the woods." Adora brushed past her. Catra frowned.

"Adora, if you have to take a dump, you can just use the bathroom down the hall. Or use my litter-box, I told you I don't mind."

"What? No! That's not why I-"

"Oh, it's not?" Catra huffed and rolled her eyes. "Look, you don't have to go beat up that tree for me. I told you it was okay, I'm not angry anymore-"

"That's not why either- LISTEN! I'm just…going on a walk in the woods, okay? Alone. In the middle of the night." She paused for a beat. "…With no-one else around-"

"You're acting weird," Catra leaned in close. "Are you _sure_ you don't have brain damage? Let me see your pupils. _How many middle fingers am I holding up_?"

"STOP." Adora shoved her away. "I told you, I'm fine. I'll be back before you know it. Just stay here, okay?" She waited for a moment, then glared up at the ceiling. "A little help, here?"

"_Ugh, fine," _the intercom grumbled._ "Catra, report to…anywhere other than here. There's, like, a can of Fancy Feast or something for you_." Catra gasped in delight and went scurrying off down the hall. "_You owe me, bitch_."

"Yeah, uh-huh, sure thing," Adora muttered under her breath. "Not."

"_I heard that_."

"_OKAY_ I'M LEAVING _GAWD_."

-In the Whispering Woods-

Meanwhile, Glimmer and Bow were wandering the Whispering Woods, tracking the strange signal with the help of Bow's gadget. Or, rather, _trying_ to.

"This darn thing isn't working!" Bow said in frustration, giving it a shake. "I'm not picking up anything!"

"Let me see it!" Glimmer took the tablet from him and frowned at the screen. "Tracking hot singles in your area- BOW!"

"Sorry! It must be acting up again."

"EW oh my God you just got a text from another single and it's a _dick pic_ gross!" She flung it away in disgust.

"Glimmer, no!" Bow cried. "We need that to find the signal-" An eerie glow suddenly lit up from behind a line of trees. "…Or we could just follow that."

Elsewhere in the forest, Adora was also walking through the trees, muttering to herself under her breath.

"Seriously, what are you _doing_ out here, girl, Catra is right, this is _crazy_, there's no sword, you didn't see any weird images and you should just go home and forget about all of this before that creepy clown shows up again and starts making those balloon animals-" She stopped when she saw a strange glow in the trees up ahead. "…Or I could just follow that." She cautiously pushed past some large leaves and gasped as she caught sight of the glowing sword in the clearing, just as she remembered it. "A-_ha_! I _knew_ that you were real! I _knew_ I wasn't crazy! Alright, start talking!" She paused. "…I'm interrogating a sword I _am_ crazy."

Glimmer and Bow walked out from behind a bush, entering the clearing as well.

"Bow, will you put that stupid thing down already?"

"No! When you threw my tracker you accidentally sent a kissy-face to that creep and now he won't stop sending me dick pics-"

The pair looked up, saw Adora, and the three of them froze in place.

"Princess!" Adora cried, alarmed.

"Horde soldier!" Glimmer shot back.

"…Bow!"

The standoff went on for a few more seconds, and then Glimmer just started screaming. Bow joined in a moment later.

"_AAAAAA_\- why are we screaming- _AAAAAAA_!"

"_AAAAAA_\- I don't know, confuse her with sound- _AAAAAA_!"

Adora bolted for the sword, but Glimmer was too fast for her. She teleported to the weapon, snatching it up and hurling it towards Bow.

"Bow, catch!"

Bow screeched and dodged out of the way, narrowly avoiding losing his head. The sword stabbed harmlessly into a tree.

"…Right. Sorry." Glimmer blinked. "Probably wasn't such a good idea to _throw_ a sword at you."

"You should've thrown it at _her_!"

"Just give me the sword!" Adora shouted, making another run for the weapon. "Stay back! I don't wanna hurt you!" Glimmer teleported in the way again, throwing a fistful of glitter in her face. Adora shrieked. "Agh, right in the eyes! That's going to take forEVER to get out of my hair, too! Okay, changed my mind! Definitely want to hurt you now!"

The three of them collapsed in a heap, all of them struggling to claim the sword. Adora growled and reached for it.

"Get OFF of me you heartless- are you _tickling_ me?"

"I show no mercy!" Bow cried. "Look away, Glimmer! I'm going for her weak spots!"

With a last desperate attempt, Adora finally touched the sword. Just like before, it exploded with light, throwing them all back. She opened her eyes to find herself in a strange dimension with glimmering lights, sharp angles, and odd shapes. The same mysterious voice as before began to speak.

"_Hello, Adora_." Adora whirled around to find a tall woman in a robe and dress covered in strange symbols staring at her calmly.

"Whoa! Who are you?! What's going on?"

"_My name is Light Hope_," the woman answered. "_I have been waiting for you for a very long time, but I could not reach you until you forged your connection with the sword_." She paused. "_Also the Wi-Fi signal here is shit_."

"What? What are you talking about?" Adora whipped out her phone and frowned down at it. "Oh shit, you weren't kidding, I have like, _one_ bar-"

"_The sword is meant for you_," the woman went on. "_Etheria needs you, Adora. Will you answer its call?"_

"…Well that depends, is it in my network or will I get charged for it-"

"_Will you fight for the honor of Grayskull_?"

"Okay, I don't even know who that IS. Decline!" Adora tapped her phone and put it away. "Listen lady, can you just explain what's going ON here?" Light Hope just stood there, arm upraised, unmoving. A circle started spinning in place in front of her. "…Bitch are you _buffering_-"

"_Connection Time-out_." Light Hope winked out of existence, another brilliant flash of light throwing Adora back. She cracked open her eyes again to find herself sitting back in the woods, her hands tied.

"Hey, she's awake!" Bow shouted from right beside her. Glimmer crouched next to him, holding the sword.

"Yeah, I certainly am now that you've _yelled in my ear_," Adora muttered, glaring at him. He pulled out his megaphone.

"**WHAT**?"

"Silence, Horde spy!" Glimmer snapped. "_I_ ask the questions! How did you make it so far into the Whispering Woods? What are you scheming? _Talk_!"

"Yeah!" Bow joined in. "And who does your hair, it's, like, _super_ cute-"

"Bow!"

"I literally just walked in," Adora snapped back, "and I do my hair myself. Also, I'm not a spy!" She paused. "But while I'm here, would you mind telling me any weaknesses in your fortifications and the number of soldiers and weapons you have?"

"Oh, yeah, sure!" Bow smiled. "Well, I'd say the west wing is our weak point-"

"BOW!"

"I'm sorry! She just asked so _politely_. It was instinctual."

"How dare you try and steal our sword!" Glimmer said, scowling at Adora. She snorted.

"It's not yours. I found it first, so it's _mine_. Also, I spit on it."

"You did not!"

Adora hawked and spat onto the sword.

"There. Now it's mine."

"_GROSS_!" Glimmer used her cape to wipe off the sword. "Come on, Bow! Let's get this spy back to Bright Moon where she can be interrogated properly."

"Right!" Bow gave Adora a firm look. "We're talking full-on tickle attacks until you _pee_ yourself laughing- God I'm getting sick just _thinking_ about it-" Glimmer grabbed his arm and hauled him off to the side.

"Oh my gosh, this is _perfect_!" She whispered excitedly. "We have First One tech AND a Horde spy! Mom is going to be SO happy with these presents!"

"Plus those cookies we made at the bake club!"

"_Will you stop with the cookies_\- on your FEET, maggot!"

-Later-

The trio had been walking through the woods for some time, with no end in sight. The trees were becoming thicker and wilder with every minute, strange noises and rustling coming from the growing shadows. One skeezy-looking guy even popped up out of a bush and offered to sell them some weed.

"Uh, are you _sure_ you know where we're going?" Bow asked, casting nervous glances left and right.

"Of course I do!" Glimmer replied, holding the scanner close to her face. "Trust me."

"I dunno, I think we've walked by that tree a few times-"

"What? The dick-shaped one?" Bow stared at her in confusion.

"…How would you even _know_-" *_Ding_!* "Oh right." He blinked. "Look, Glimmer. I've pretty much grown up in these woods, and I've _never_ seen this part of it. Like that tree. What the _fuck_ is that tree. I can't even think of a _shape_ for it-"

"It kinda looks like a crooked dick, if you squint and tilt your head a little."

"They're trees! They all look like dicks!"

"Can you guys please stop talking about dicks," Adora said, dead-pan. "Or…or is this part of the torture, because it's working."

"Shut up! I've got this!" Glimmer teleported away in a huff. Bow winced and turned to Adora.

"Sorry about her, she's not normally this irritable. She's just a little testy because she's on her period-"

"_BOW_!"

"So anyway," Bow went on pleasantly, "what's your name? I love your jacket, it's so fashionable! Where did you get it? Was it on sale? Did you get a good deal?" Adora glared at him, refusing to talk, even as he helped her around roots and under hanging branches. "Tell me if you get tired and I'll give you a piggyback ride-"

"Would you stop being so nice to me?!" Adora finally burst out. "We're _enemies_, you know!"

"…Huh. I thought I was being pretty rude. I mean, I didn't even complement your shoes or anything."

"This is you being _mean_?" Adora gaped at him for a moment, then glanced over at Glimmer, who teleported face-first into a tree. "You know she's a Princess, right? How can you follow her? They're a dangerous threat to everyone on Etheria! They're don't even know how to control their powers! Have you not _seen_ Frozen? That bitch froze an entire town! And Snow White enslaved seven men-"

"Is that what Hordak told you?" Bow shook his head in disbelief. "You've got it all wrong! Glimmer is the sweetest, _gentlest_-"

"MOVE, PRISONER! NO BATHROOM BREAKS! YOU NEED TO GO, YOU GO IN YOUR _PANTS_-"

"Glimmer holy shit WHOA-"

"Too much? It was too much. Sorry." Glimmer paused. "…You can have _one_ bathroom break, so go now if you have to- _SHIT_!"

"Uh, I don't, I mean, I can try- oh this is what you're talking about."

The group suddenly halted as they came upon the wreckage of a house, now no more than a burned out shell with streamers of toilet paper hanging from the trees. The three of them gaped at the senseless destruction.

"Oh my _God_!" Adora gasped in horror. "This is _monstrous_! Who could've done this? I bet it was some asshole seventh-graders-"

"Don't play dumb!" Glimmer barked at her. "You know it was the Horde!"

"What? No! The Horde wouldn't do this!" Adora protested. Glimmer pointed at a fried robot slumped in the bushes. "…That doesn't prove anything!" Glimmer pointed at graffiti sprayed on the wall that said 'The Horde Was Here.' "…That could have been anyone!" Glimmer pointed at a selfie the Horde soldiers had taken, all posing and smiling proudly in front of the ruined house. "…Okay you got me there. But…but…Hordak says we're doing what's best for Etheria! We're just trying to make things better…more orderly!"

"You mean more HORDERLY!" Glimmer shot back.

"WIG!" Bow shouted. Glimmer high-fived him before continuing.

"Ever since you guys showed up, you've been poisoning our land, burning our cities, and destroying everything in your path! _Nothing's_ too low for you! Even _littering_." Bow gasped in horror. "And you're a _part_ of it!" She turned and stomped angrily away.

"But this doesn't make any sense!" Adora shook her head in confusion. "The Horde wouldn't DO this! We're a _peaceful_ death army!" She paused. "…There's something wrong with what I just said."

"Come on," Bow said, stepping close to her. "How can you NOT know what's going on? I mean, you guys are literally called _the Evil Horde_."

"WHAT WHO CALLS US THAT I'LL PUNCH 'EM SO HARD THEY SHIT THEIR OWN GUTS- _ohhh my gosh we aaaare evil ohhhhh noooo_…" Adora started whimpering. "But still…the Horde rescued me when I was a baby and gave me a home! They're my _family_. You just don't know them!"

"Maybe YOU don't know them like you THINK you do," Bow told her quietly.

"Oh yeah, well, maybe YOU don't know them like you THINK I know them like I KNOW I do-"

"Wait, _what_?" Bow blinked in confusion. There was a sudden shriek and Glimmer came running back towards the pair, tablet in hand, still screaming. "Glimmer, what's wrong? Is it another dick pic? For God's sake, I told you to let _me_ hold it-" An enormous beetle-monster emerged from the ground in a shower of rocks and dirt, looming over the group and roaring menacingly. "…Okay yeah that's worse." Bow quickly joined in with the terrified screams.

"Watch out!" Glimmer teleported away as the bug struck, throwing glitter in its eyes. Bow tried his luck with some well-aimed arrows and the p-word (please). Neither was effective, and they were both struck down by a mighty swing of the beetle's claw.

"A-ha!" Adora seized her chance and snatched up the sword lying on the ground, then hesitated, her gaze flicking between the defenseless Bow and Glimmer and the monster-bug as it went in the for the kill. "Uhh…" The beetle was salting and peppering them. "UHHH…" Now it was tying on a bib. "_UHHH_…" It was slowly lowering the pair into its mouth. "_**UUUHHHH**_-"

"_DO_ SOMETHING, BITCH!"

"Okay, fine! Hey, bug-brain!" Adora shouted at the overgrown insect. "Pick on someone your own size!" She paused. "…So obviously not me. I'm, like, _tiny_ compared to you. I'm sure if you just leave you'll easily find- WHOA!" She shrieked as the beetle leapt at her, striking with its claws. Desperately, she blocked the blows with the sword, then lifted it to-

"_Low battery are you fucking kidding me_-" Adora hissed in frustration, then lifted the sword again as an idea occurred to her. Holding the weapon high, she cried aloud: "For the honor of…Gray-whatever!"

"_Close enoooough_!" a voice sang out. There was a blinding flash of light from the sword, and once it faded away, there stood a glowing warrior with long, flowing hair and a white and gold uniform with a rippling cape. The beetle immediately stepped back, Bow and Glimmer gaping in awe at the majestic sight. The girl stood tall and proud, a thing of utter grace and confidence-

"THE FUCK AM I _WEARING_?!"

-Episode One End-


	2. Episode 2: The Bored: Part Two

She-Blah

Episode Two

The Bored: Part Two

Head held high and golden hair rippling, the glowing warrior stood proudly in front of the bug monster, Glimmer and Bow gaping in shock from the sidelines.

"_WIIIIGGGGG_-"

"BOW WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!"

Adora looked down at herself and screamed.

"THE FUCK AM I _WEARING_?! And what's with my _hair_, why won't it stop moving, is there a fan blowing nearby or did I suddenly start using Pantene Pro-V and not the two-in-one/body-wash I normally use?! And these _shorts_-" She paused in consideration. "…are actually _really_ comfortable." She started doing squats. "Oh yeah I'm keeping these- _LEG CRAMP_!"

Adora fell over, clutching her leg, and her powers winked off, reverting back to her normal attire and much less lustrous ponytail. The sword's light flickered weakly, flashing a red battery symbol. Glimmer teleported over and snatched it from her hands.

"Oh, great! You used it all up! Now it's out of battery!"

"What the hell did you DO to me?!" Adora shouted back at her. "You've _infected_ me with your Princess germs! What, am I going to start singing about love and dancing with woodland creatures?!"

"Okay, everyone just calm down!" Bow said shrilly, moving to stand between them. "CALM _DOWN_!" His voice broke at the end. Dogs howled in the distance.

"…Are you crying?" Adora asked in confusion.

"No! Fighting just…really upsets me. Why can't we all just get along?" He burst into tears and covered his face with his hands.

"Okay, okay, we'll stop, so no more crying!" Glimmer patted his back soothingly, then glared at Adora and mouthed 'fuck you'. Adora pointed at her and then throttled the air in return.

"How did you even DO that?" Bow asked in wonder, sniffling and dabbing his eyes with a Kleenex. He blew his nose with a loud honk.

"I have no idea!" Adora shook her head, dumbfounded. "I just picked up the sword and, ta-dah! I was a Princess just like that! I didn't even get to do a magical transformation like Sailor Moon or whatever."

"Hey, yeah! That's totally not fair! That's like my _favorite_ part-"

"I don't care _how_ she did it!" Glimmer rudely interrupted. "We just have to make sure she _never_ does it again!" The huge bug monster screeched, looming over them. "…Okay do it again do it again do it-" She threw the sword back at Adora. She screamed and barely dodged it in time.

"What have I told you about throwing swords?!" Bow shouted. "At least throw it at the giant bug!"

"I got it!" Adora snatched up the sword and stood there awkwardly. "…Wait now what."

"Try the Sailor Moon approach!" Bow suggested. "Quick, take off your clothes and yell 'Sword Power, Make Up'! I'll provide the music. Dun DUN-"

"We don't have time for this! RUN!" Glimmer yelled over them. They all began to sprint through the woods, the rampaging bug close behind. They emerged from the trees and saw some ancient ruins in the shape of a pyramid in the distance.

"Whoa, what is this place?" Adora asked as they drew closer. "Will we be safe here?"

"I don't know, lemme check the Yelp reviews and see if it has a good rating-"

"BOW!"

"Fine, if we get mugged, it's your fault!"

The three of them ran to the front entrance of the ruin and began trying to force their way in without any luck.

"Stand back, guys! I've got this!" Bow cracked his knuckles, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door. "Pizza's here!" There was no answer. "Huh, that usually works-"

"Grab onto me! I'll teleport us all inside!" Glimmer cried.

"Glimmer, no!" Bow shook his head vehemently. "You've never teleported _three_ people before! What if we fuse together and I become your freakish second head- actually wait that'd be kinda cool because then we'd _always_ be together but no wait what if we had a _fight_-"

"Do you have a better idea?!" she shouted back. He stared at her for a moment, then turned and knocked on the door again.

"Girl Scout cookies!" Still no answer. "Yeah I'm all out."

"Wait! Something's written here." Adora squinted at some strange markings scrawled on the side of the door. "It looks like…some kind of password?"

"Looks more like a butt to me," Bow stated. "How can you even read that, they have, like, the _worst_ penmanship I've ever-"

"Just hurry and read it aloud!" Glimmer shouted impatiently.

"Uh…one…two…three, four!"

"Are you KIDDING-"

The door ground open and they dashed inside just as the bug caught up, the door slamming shut in its face. There was a pause, followed by a polite knock on the door.

"_**Pizzaaaa**_," came a ferocious grumble.

"BOW DON'T YOU _DARE_ ANSWER THAT!"

"I wasn't gonna!" Bow huffed. "I guess _nobody's_ having pizza tonight."

It was pitch-black inside the ruin. Glimmer created a glowing sphere of light, illuminating their surroundings. They were in a very tall, empty hall with huge pillars. She turned to find Bow and Adora hugging each other in the dark. The two quickly jumped apart.

"…You're a pretty good hugger," Bow said after an awkward pause. "Not the best, but you've definitely got potential. I'd give you a six out of ten. I'd know, I'm _kind_ of an expert."

"Just a six?! Get back here!" Adora started rolling up her sleeves.

"Hands off!" Glimmer stepped in front of her, glaring. "And Bow, stop being a hug-slut!"

"You know I can't help it! I need my fix." Bow looked at Adora. "So anyway, how come you can read First One writing? Did you take it in high school? I took Spanish. Me llamo Bow. Donde esta la biblioteca-"

"Bow, there's no way she took a _class_ for a language that hasn't been spoken in a thousand years!" Glimmer interrupted with a scoff.

"I did, actually."

"Wait what? _How_?" Glimmer gaped at her in disbelief. "…Were you in Honors-"

"No, not really." Adora rolled her eyes. "I took Punching and Kicking 101, like a normal teenager."

"…I don't think that's what normal teenagers take-"

"Oh yeah? What was your curriculum?" Adora glared at Glimmer. "How to seduce princes and brainwash people through song?"

"No, it was how to clap-back, BITCH, and you best believe I gots a four-point-HO-"

Both girls started winding up when they heard Bow's breath hitching dangerously.

"Oh my gosh OKAY we'll stop." They shook hands, gripping harder than necessary, then flipped each other off while Bow was wiping his eyes.

"We need to find a way out of here," Glimmer said, glancing around, "and bring our captive back to Bright Moon as soon as possible. My mom will get all the information we need out of her, she's a _master_ of torture. I would know. Just wait until she starts guilt-tripping you. Or telling you that she's not angry, just _disappointed_. Let's go!" She started to walk away as Bow turned to Adora.

"Thanks for saving us from that monster bug-"

"Hey NO do NOT thank the enemy!" Glimmer shouted back at him. "There is a _line_, Bow!"

"You mean…I can't even…" Bow stood there, one hand up in the air.

"No! Absolutely not! Don't you _dare_ give her a high-five! Put it down!" Bow whimpered, but obeyed. Glimmer huffed and went back to leading the way.

"Whatever, I just wanted the sword," Adora said coldly.

"Are you sure it's not because you _secretly liiiiike us_?" Bow asked, leaning in close and smirking. Adora narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"I could snap your neck in an instant."

"…But you haven't yet! Point to Bow!" He pumped a fist in triumph, and the two started walking after Glimmer, moving deeper into the hall. "That's me, by the way. I'm Bow."

"Adora," Adora said shortly.

"Adora?" Bow gasped, his eyes sparkling. "Oh my gosh, that name is… ADORABLE. Want to guess why my name's Bow? Huh? Huh?" He was holding his bow and quiver. "I'll give you a hiiiint!"

"I think I'm going to snap my own neck."

Up ahead, Glimmer hesitated, glancing back to check on them, then brought the sword close to her face.

"For the honor of Grey Skull," she whispered under her breath. The sword didn't respond. "Oh come on, I wanna feel what it's like to be tall and friggin SWOL-"

"Whatcha doing?" Bow asked, suddenly standing beside her. She jerked in surprise.

"_Bwah_! Nothing!"

"_Error, error_!" The sword squawked out an alarm. "_Unauthorized user attempting to find out what it's like to be tall and_-"

"_Hyah_!" Glimmer threw the sword down the hallway, where it skittered into the shadows. "…Yeah I know I need to stop throwing it. Anyway! Look at these carvings." She gestured at the strange symbols on the walls. "I think this is a First One's ruin."

"Actually," said Bow, "I think those are just dicks some teenagers drew."

"What's a First One?" Adora asked.

"The First Ones are the original settlers of Etheria," Bow explained patiently. "They disappeared a thousand years ago, but left behind a bunch of random junk like old ruins and tech and iPods-"

"Oh my God YAWN I didn't ask for an entire lesson, _nerd_." Adora grabbed him by the crop-top and pulled him in close. "Gimme your lunch money." Then she started trying to stuff him into a locker.

"I'm telling- _GLIMMER_!"

"Ugh, how do we get OUT of here?!" Glimmer cried in exasperation, ignoring them. "We can't see anything!"

"Wanna try turning some lights on?" Bow asked, looking at Adora.

"Oh, _what_?! You want me to use my new Princess powers and say a magic word or clap my hands or something?! In your dreams!"

"…Actually there's a light switch right behind you."

"…Oh." She stood there for a moment, then punched it. It shattered into pieces. "…It's broken."

"Stand back, _I'll_ handle this," Glimmer said, stepping forward.

"Glimmer, maybe you should take it easy," Bow cautioned in a quiet voice. "You don't want to tire yourself out."

"Bow, you're so embarrassing! Quit _mothering_ me! I get enough of it from my actual mother. Anyway, I'll be fine. I'm not tired at all and I've still got plenty of energy for my powers-"

"Actually I was talking about your period. How are your cramps? Do you have a headache? I think I have a stash of emergency pads if you-"

"Oh my GOD can we NOT talk about this in front of the Horde soldier-"

"Oh, great! You're on your period?" Adora threw up her hands. "Now we're going to _sync up_!"

"NO! It's because I have to recharge my powers!" Glimmer burst out, then reddened.

"…You have to _recharge_?" Adora snorted. "What, do you run on double A's?"

"I run on pure RAGE so shut up!" Glimmer grunted and threw the sphere of light upwards where it exploded, illuminating the ruins. She slumped over, Bow grabbing her before she hit the floor.

"Whoa, Glimmer! Are you okay? Do you need a piggy-back ride? I've got some snacks in my pouch and if you're too tired to chew I'll do it for you and then spit it into your mouth like a mama bird-"

"BOW, _ENOUGH_!"

Glimmer staggered to her feet, and they all looked around at the large, angular room they were in. On one wall was a huge stained-glass mural of the female warrior up on a pedestal.

"Hey, look! It's you!" Bow cried excitedly, pointing.

"What? That looks nothing like me!" Adora protested. "…She's not punching anything."

"No, I mean that's what you looked like earlier."

"…Oh." She paused. "Did I seriously have fucking wings on my head?"

"What does this inscription say?" Bow asked, peering at the pedestal. Adora squinted down at it.

"It says…_She-ra_."

There was a long pause where nothing happened.

"…Are…are you sure?"

"Uh, wait. Lemme check." Adora squinted again. "Oh, sorry. I read it wrong. It says…_She-blah_."

The carving immediately lit up as the ruin awakened around them. Glowing lights and color filled the room, the entire building seeming to tremble with energy. A holographic projection of Light Hope suddenly popped up, warped by static and flickering weakly.

"Greetings, administrator," she said robotically. "What is your query?"

"Oh my God what IS that?!" Bow shrieked in surprise. "Kill it with fire!"

"Bow-"

"It's immune to my attacks!" He was firing arrows, which passed harmlessly through the projection.

"Oh my God calm down-"

"Why won't it die?! It's like the spider that was in your room last week-"

"BOW! STOP!" Glimmer grabbed him. "She's a _hologram_."

"Light Hope? Is that you?" Adora frowned at the staticky figure. "Why do you look like a sex doll-"

"What is your query?" Light Hope asked again.

"Wait, wait! I've got one!" Bow cleared his throat. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Light Hope just stood there, not responding. "…Well, _she's_ racist."

"No, she's just…_old_," Glimmer said quietly, looking her up and down.

"Exactly my point."

"Administrator not detected," Light Hope said. "Lockdown initiated." Red flashing lights suddenly turned on and all the doors slammed shut. The room began to shake as the ruin crumbled apart.

"You see?! Now she's mad that you called her a racist!" Glimmer shouted.

"Make it stop, Adora!" Bow wailed, grabbing hold of her.

"_Me_?! What can _I_ do?!"

"I dunno, I just feel so SAFE with you," he whispered, then gently laid his head on her shoulder.

"Get off of me!"

"Come on, just try!"

"Ugh, fine! Light Hope, stop!" Adora shouted aloud. "Arete-vous! Yammete, Light Hope-san!"

"Try using the magic words!" shouted Bow.

"I told you I don't _know_ magic!" Adora wailed.

"No, I mean, try saying please!"

"What? _No_!"

"Just _try_!" Bow begged. She glared back at him for a long moment before relenting.

"…Please?" she asked. The shaking didn't stop. "Godammit I was nice for nothing!"

"…Try _pretty_ please-"

"NO!" Adora glanced up at the mural, gasping as an idea came to her. "Quick, give me the sword!" Glimmer pulled it back to throw. "Oh my God, why can't you just _hand_ it to me?! Maybe it'll help if I transform!"

"In that case, no way!" Glimmer clutched the sword to her chest. "You're a Horde soldier. I'm _not_ giving you the sword!"

"…Maybe you should try saying please-"

"Shut the fuck up!"

Pieces of the ceiling began to rain down around them. Glimmer grabbed hold of Bow and Adora, gritting her teeth.

"We don't have time! Hold on!"

"Glimmer, NO!" Bow cried in protest.

Too late. Glimmer teleported them out of the room just as it collapsed. They appeared high up in the sky, the land far below them.

"Oh thank god I thought we were gonna get teleported into the ladies bathroom again- _wait how is this betteraaaAAAAAA_!" Bow screeched as they started to fall. Still screaming, he knocked an arrow to his bow and shot it down at the rapidly approaching ground. It exploded to form a bouncy castle, which successfully broke their fall. "…And you told me it was a _dumb_ idea!" he said triumphantly. Glimmer didn't respond, face planted in the bouncy castle's floor. "Glimmer? Glimmer!" He gently shook his friend awake.

"Wha…what happened?" She blinked up at him, dazed.

"I'm so glad you're okay!" Bow gushed. Glimmer smiled. "…So that I can _never_ let you live this down. How could you do something so irresponsible?! I am _definitely_ telling your mom-"

"Okay if you're just gonna lecture me I'm gonna pass out again til you're done-"

"Come on, get up!" He pulled her to her feet and handed her the sword. "You are hereby grounded from teleporting, young lady! You could really hurt yourself."

"Let's just get back to Bright Moon so I can recharge already," Glimmer grumbled, then noticed Adora standing there, watching them. "…Why are you still here? You literally could've just _walked_ away." She glared at Bow. "Or said 'please'."

"Hey!" he snapped. "…I'd be offended if that weren't true."

"I just…want to figure out what's happening to me," Adora said slowly. "All these confusing _changes_ and urges going on with my body-"

"Oh dear GOD she's going through puberty-"

"Not that! I mean the whole sword and cape thing!" Adora shook her head in confusion. "I never knew where I came from or who my family was. And now all of this…it seems really _familiar_ to me. I just can't explain it."

Glimmer looked at her, torn. Adora glanced over at Bow, who mouthed the word 'please'.

"…Please?"

"Okay, fine!" Glimmer threw up her hands. "You can come!"

"Told you it would work!" Bow said, slinging an arm over Adora's shoulder. "Glimmer's mom is an expert on First One tech. She'll know what's going on with you and the sword for sure, so just stick with us!"

"Alright, fine." Adora shrugged off his arm. "But this _doesn't_ mean that we're friends."

"Oh of course not." Bow stood there for a moment, then broke into song. "_We're the best friend squad, yeah, the best friend squad! We're the best friend squad, yeah, the best friend squad_!"

"Bow stop singing," Glimmer said automatically.

He began singing it under his breath.

"_Best friend squad, yeah_-"

"STOP."

He started humming it. Glimmer rolled her eyes and turned away.

"Let's go already. There's a village near here. We should be able to call an Uber for a ride back to Bright Moon."

"I have no cash on me."

"DAMMIT, Bow! Every time!"

-Back at the Horde Fortress-

In her dark, creepy lair with old crayon drawings by Adora pinned on the walls, Shadow Weaver stood over a large glowing basin, staring intently into the swirling water.

"…You get any good channels on that thing?" Catra asked, standing in the corner. "Nat. Geo Wild? Animal Planet?"

"Where's Adora?" Shadow Weaver demanded harshly.

"I told you, I don't know! Do you think I keep her on a leash?!" Catra snapped back, then paused. "Actually, don't answer that. I've seen some of the fanart-"

"You're lying!" Shadow Weaver hissed at her. "She would never leave without telling you!" She paused. "Or at least asking the neighbor to come over and feed you while she's gone."

"Ugh, I swear if she got _Kyle_ to do it again I'm going to scratch his stupid face off-" Catra began, rolling her eyes.

"I already know where she is. We've been tracking her." Shadow Weaver held up her cell-phone. "I got a parenting app so I can see her location."

"…Then why did you even _ask_ me-"

"Just to rub it in your face. Also, your new assignment is to bring her back."

"Uhh, I'm not a dog, I don't play _fetch_," Catra sneered. Shadow Weaver whipped out her spray bottle and gave her a spritz. "_Hsss_!"

"You WILL bring her back," she said dangerously, "or ELSE."

"Or else what?" Catra asked, glaring at her.

"Let's see…" Shadow Weaver thought for a moment. "When is your next vet visit? Let me check my calendar…"

Catra shivered and mewled in fear.

-With Adora-

Meanwhile, Adora, Glimmer and Bow had come upon a village with rounded houses, trees, and a drunken rave with fawn-like people grinding in the streets. The dancers swung around glow-sticks while a DJ blasted obnoxious dubstep up on a stage. The group stopped at the edge of the woods, Glimmer turning to Adora.

"Okay, the jacket comes off."

"Oh thank _God_ I didn't want to be the one to tell her she looks like a lesbian football player," Bow said. "…Unless that's what you're going for, in which case great job, you really nailed it-"

"No!" Glimmer said. "It's because she's a Horde soldier and we can't let anyone find out. We have to fix all of…THIS." She gestured vaguely at Adora. "…And by this I mean everything."

"Imma fix _you_ if you don't get your hand out of my face," Adora snarled at her.

"Ooh, let me!" Bow threw his hand up excitedly. "I just binge-watched all the episodes of Queer Eye on Netflix and I'm _ready_ for this! Tan France I will make you proud!"

"Now is not the time for a makeover!" Glimmer snapped.

Adora reluctantly took off her red jacket, revealing a white long-sleeved shirt beneath. Glimmer started removing her cape just as Bow started removing his top.

"Huh? Oh you're giving her YOUR clothes ohhh that makes more sense." He paused, then slowly pulled his shirt back on.

"I probably couldn't pull off the crop top," Adora said.

"Few can."

Rolling her eyes, Glimmer threw her cape over Adora's shoulder while Bow put a flower in her hair as an accent. Adora stood there for several long moments, blinking rapidly.

"Okay, not to be dramatic, but I hate this and want to die."

"Oh, sorry. Glimmer, do you have anything in _flannel_-"

"We don't have time for this!" Glimmer cut him off. "Look, just try to not attract attention. We'll make this quick. Now let's go."

Together they entered the village, Adora gaping wide-eyed in wonder at everyone and everything.

"What…is all this?" she asked breathlessly.

"It's a drunken rave," Bow explained to her. "These guys are real party animals." Adora stared at him, not understanding. "You know, a party? A big celebration where everyone has fun?" She was still staring. "…Fun is when you're doing something that you enjoy and are happy and content?" Still nothing. "…Does happiness not exist in the Fright Zone?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"Wait, happiness?" Adora cocked her head. "Isn't that the warm, tingly feeling you get when you punch someone in the face?"

"No, that's probably just from the blunt force trauma to your fist."

"Bow, what are you doing? We need to get going!" Glimmer said, walking back towards them.

"This is an _emergency,_ Glimmer!" Bow whirled around and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Adora's _never_ been to a party before! Hang on, let me find a chair so I can give her a lap-dance-"

"BOW!"

"This is a FUNTERVENTION!" He dragged Adora off into the crowd, skipping merrily. Glimmer watched him go in disbelief and sighed.

"I'm getting a fucking drink."

Hand in hand, Bow took Adora around the bustling village, letting her sample the local cuisine (which consisted of nachos, lukewarm punch, and other party snacks) and teaching her how to twerk. Adora laughed and smiled, enjoying herself more than she had in ages. She even taught a group of kids how to properly disembowel a piñata. One unfortunate fawn drunkenly hit on her, so she hit on him in a much more literal sense. All in all, she had a wonderful time.

-Later-

Later that day, Adora stood with Bow, eating Jello shots.

"So, you've seriously never been to a party before?" he was asking her. "What about birthdays?"

"What's a birthday?" Adora frowned.

"It's a celebration of the day you were born on. You eat cake and open gifts."

"Oh, yes, of course we have birthdays." Bow's eyes lit up. "That's the day you're beaten senseless to remind you that you were being allowed to live for one more year. I, uh, guess that's the gift?" Bow's eyes started tearing up.

"And… and the cake?"

"…We have protein paste."

Bow began to weep.

Suddenly Adora gasped aloud, choking a little on her Jello. Her eyes were shining as she stared at something in utter astonishment.

"What. Is. THAT."

A horse was grazing nearby. A swarm of flies buzzed around it.

"Um…" Bow blinked. "That's a horse."

The horse lifted its tail and shat out a steamy pile of horse turds.

"…It's _magnificent_," she whispered in awe.

"Alright, _damn_, Lisa Frank. …Do you want to go talk to him?" Bow asked after a moment.

"_What_?!" Adora turned red, flustered. "Oh my gosh NO! I don't know what to say to him and I'm not even dressed for it-" Bow started to pull her over. "Wait I'm not ready! I'm too nervous I think I'm going to puke-"

"Just say hello!" Bow pushed her towards the animal, which lifted its head and snorted at her. Adora stood there awkwardly, sweating.

"Uhh…I like your mane," she blurted out. "It's very... majestic." The horse started eating her hair. She gasped. "What kind of girl do you think I _am_?!"

Suddenly there was the sound of explosions, followed by screams and wails from nearby.

"Wow, that party is _really_ getting out of hand," Bow said. "What is going _on_ over there?" They turned to see smoke rising from the center of the village. "Oh my God did they start the barbecue without us?!" Bow grabbed Adora's hand and together they rushed over to see robots trampling down buildings, shooting lasers and setting things on fire. "SHIT SOMEONE CALLED THE COPS! I CAN'T GO BACK TO JAIL-"

"Get in here!" Glimmer suddenly popped up and pulled them into an abandoned building to hide. "It's the Horde! They're crashing the party!"

"The Horde?! I'm sure this is all just a simple misunderstanding!" Adora said quickly. "They're probably just mad because they didn't get invited-"

"Why are they _here_?!" Bow wondered aloud. "Sure their parties get a lil' wild, but the people of Thaymor aren't a threat! They're going a little too far with this noise complaint."

"Wait, THIS is Thaymor?" Adora asked with dawning horror.

"Did you _know_ about this?!" Glimmer demanded, glaring at her.

"Well, we _were_ scheduled to have a field trip here in a few days," Adora admitted.

"Oh, well that doesn't sound so bad-" Bow began.

Just then, a group of Horde soldiers ran by, waving their permission slips.

"Alright, everyone!" A soldier in the front clapped their hands. "Line up and we will all take turns stabbing our victims! Those of you who signed up for fiery destruction of property and general mayhem, line up over there. Don't push, everyone will get a turn!"

"…Okay I take it back that sounds _horrible_."

"I can get them to stop!" Adora said. "Just let me talk to them. I'm really sorry about this." She turned and started to run off into the chaos.

"No, wait!" Glimmer cried worriedly. Adora stopped and looked back at her. "…Can I have my cape back first? It's kinda my favorite one and I don't want it getting dirty."

"Oh of course here you go." She handed the cape back to her, then dashed away into the battle.

Adora ran past people fleeing for their lives, stumbled over dead bodies on the ground- oh no wait they're just passed out from the partying never mind they're fine. She spotted a Horde vehicle driving through a building and stood boldly in front of it.

"STOP!" she shouted. It ground to a halt right in front of her. "…Wow I can't believe that worked- OW!" The tank jerked forward a few inches and knocked her on her butt.

"Sorry, it's got bad brakes," Catra said, popping up out of a hatch. "It's due for an inspection." She wrinkled her nose. "And a cleaning. Smells like cat piss in here. I have no idea why, it totally wasn't me. Probably Kyle."

"_Catra_?!" Adora gaped up at her in disbelief. "How on earth did you get permission to go on the field trip-"

"I did extra credit!" Catra leapt down and tackled Adora to the ground just as she stood up. "Can you believe they let me drive a tank?! And I don't even have a license!" She paused, sniffing. "Why do you smell like horse spit? And where's your jacket, you know I like that it makes you look like a lesbian football player with it on. What the _hell_ have you been up to?"

"That's…none of your business! But certainly nothing to do with princesses, or _transforming_ into them, that's for sure!"

-Meanwhile-

Elsewhere in the village, Glimmer and Bow were busy helping the citizens flee from the Horde's robots. One Horde soldier snuck up from behind and almost gave Bow a wedgie, but Glimmer teleported just in time to save him the pain and humiliation. She collapsed in exhaustion afterward, Bow catching her in his arms.

"Alright, that's it! You're getting a protein bar whether you want it or not!" He unwrapped a bar, took a bite, and started chewing vigorously.

-With Adora-

"Catra, we need to stop this!" Adora waved her hand at the wanton destruction. "This is a civilian town! These people are innocent!" A faun with several pair of panties tied to his antlers ran by, screaming. "…I never said they were good."

"Okay, cool, so can I punch all the people that you don't want-"

"No! This is _wrong_!" Adora stomped her foot. "Shadow Weaver, Hordak, they've all been lying to us and using us, and…and…"

"Manipulating us?" Catra supplied.

"Yeah that too- wait what?" She stopped, staring at her friend in shock. "You… you knew."

"We're called the _Evil Horde_, Adora." Catra stated bluntly.

"…You mean…everyone knew…but me?" Adora's voice dropped to a whisper. "Even…Kyle?"

"Even Kyle."

"Dammit, fucking _Kyle_!" Adora groaned, her mind whirling. "I don't understand. How can you be OKAY with this?"

"Because, we get to punch people in the face, _together_," Catra replied. "This is the perfect job for us, Adora! And soon, _we'll_ be the ones in charge!"

"Catra, I…I don't know-"

"Our first order of business will be to execute Kyle."

"_OHHHH GOD THAT IS SO TEMPTING_-"

"Exactly!" Catra took her by the shoulders and gave her a gentle shake. "Now come on. Let's go home."

"…No." Adora pulled away, shaking her head. "I'm not going home. I can't…not after everything I've seen." A naked faun ran by, covered in whipped cream. "…Including that." She took her friend's hand. "But…you can come _with_ me! You don't have to go back there, Catra! Just let me ask if they allow pets, one of them might be allergic but don't worry-"

"_What_?!" Catra jerked her hand free and stepped back, appalled. "You're seriously leaving _us_ for _them_?! You've only known them, what, a couple of _hours_?! Do you even know their names?"

"Of course I do!" Adora shot back. "Their names are…uh…Glitter, and…Ho? It's, it's something like that, I know I'm close-"

"You're just going to throw _everything_ away like that?" Catra glared at her angrily. "God, Adora, what _happened_ to you?!"

"Oh, gosh, lots of stuff! Let's see, uh, I ate a ton of food and did a sexy dance and I saw this mystical being called a horse- you had to be there- oh and this one guy with a crop top gave me a lap dance and he says that we're going to be BFFs- whatever that is- and he sings this song and it goes like this, _we're the best friend squad, yeah, the best friend squad_-"

*_BZZZZZRT_!*

Adora fell to the ground convulsing as Catra stuck her with a tazer. She stood over her friend for a moment menacingly.

"Oh, geez, sorry! That was up WAY higher than I thought." She fiddled with the dial, then shocked her again. Adora's limbs flailed like limp noodles. "How was it that time? Better? Twitch once for yes, twice for no."

-Meanwhile-

Glimmer and Bow were in the middle of the fray, desperately trying to evacuate the last of the civilians.

"STOP MAKING OUT AND RUN!" Glimmer was screaming. "WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" Finally the fauns stopped frenching and followed the others to safety. Bow jogged up to join his friend.

"Is that the last of them? You do NOT want to know what mine were doing." The pair ducked down to hide as more Horde soldiers ran by.

"Dammit, Bow! We're screwed!" Glimmer groaned in despair. "How are we going to get out of this? My mom is right…I'm not ready for this. I _am_ useless!"

"Hey! Don't you _dare_ talk about my best friend that way!" Bow lunged forward and grabbed her by the face, pulling her close. "Don't give up now, Glimmer! You're strong, you're fearless, you're an independent woman who don't need no man, and you bench-pressed me that one time on a dare!"

"Well I was sore for like a week after-"

"You can DO this, Glimmer! I believe in you! And you don't have to do it alone." He paused, looking at her meaningfully.

"Hey, yeah! You're right!" Glimmer smiled, perking up. Bow smiled back. "Let's go get Adora, she loves punching stuff!"

"Wait what NO I was talking about ME!" Bow scowled unhappily. "Besides, didn't she ditch us for her way cooler Horde friends?"

"I don't think she did." Glimmer took his hand and stood up. "Come on, let's go find her!"

They ran out into the open when they heard a scream.

"That must be her!" Bow cried. "This way!" They dashed around the corner of a building to find the horse from earlier, chewing on a dead person's leg. "…In my defense that is a _very_ feminine-sounding horse. But anyway, this will be the perfect bait to lure her back!"

The horse ripped a fart.

"…Really?" Glimmer asked doubtfully.

-With Adora-

"Why are you _doing_ this?!" Adora begged, twitching helplessly on the ground.

"Because you _left_ me!" Catra shouted back at her. "And Shadow Weaver is going to have me declawed if I don't bring you back! So let's just go home already!" She paused for a moment. "I need you to open up all my kitty treats for me. They're like, _really_ high up in a cupboard where I can't get them."

"Hyah!" Bow and Glimmer came riding in on the horse to save the day, Glimmer leaping to help Adora while Bow shot an arrow at Catra. It exploded, party balloons and streamers flying everywhere. Catra got tangled up and fell to the ground, squirming.

"I was saving that one for your birthday," Bow said. Glimmer stared at him.

"You were going to _shoot me_ for my birthday?"

"Well not now!" Bow rolled his eyes. "Now go, I'll keep her occupied!" He pulled out his cell phone and started taking pictures of Catra rolling around on the ground. "This is going to get, like, a _million_ likes. What do you want your Twitter handle to be? Hashtag Grumpy Cat 2.0?"

Glimmer grabbed hold of Adora and teleported away to the safety of the nearby woods. She collapsed from exhaustion again, panting.

"Glimmer, what the hell are you doing?" Adora asked, propping her up on a rock. "Why did you save me?"

"Because…because…" Glimmer said weakly, "_…we're the best friend squad, yeah, the best friend squad…"_

"Glimmer…!"

"Please," she went on. "We need you…we need…She-blah!" She held out the sword for Adora to take. "I was stupid not to trust you before. I'm so sorry for being mean-"

"Oh, no, you were smart not to trust me," Adora stated bluntly. "I am a highly trained Horde soldier. I would've gutted you both given the chance." Glimmer gaped up at her in horror. "I mean, not now, of course. You know why?" She paused. "Because. We're the best. Friend. _Squad_." She reached out and took the sword.

A shadow fell over them. They looked up to see a Horde robot poised to strike. Adora raised the sword high and cried the oath.

"For the honor of Grayskull!"

Music began to play as Adora went through a magical girl transformation, complete with silhouette, sparkles and waving hair. When it was over, She-blah stood there, wearing her white and gold outfit, long hair rippling.

"Oh my God it actually worked this time I can't wait to tell Bow!" And then she ripped the robot's legs off and beat it to death with them. Glimmer watched in horrified fascination.

"…I am so fucking glad we made friends with her."

-Back with Bow-

Bow, meanwhile, was having trouble keeping Catra occupied.

"Oh, come on! That last toy cost twenty bucks and you didn't even play with it for twenty _seconds_!" Bow threw his arms up. "I knew I should have just given you the box it came in!"

"How about I play with _you_ instead?" Catra hissed, swiping at him.

"Ouch!" Bow winced and fell back. "Okay, that's it! Playtime is over!" He ran towards the horse to make his getaway, only to be surrounded by Horde robots and tanks. Realizing this was the end, he reached out and gently touched the horse's face as the enemy began to close in. "_Witness me_," he whispered.

Everyone froze as a shining light appeared and watched in awe as She-blah walked into the middle of the crowd, glowing with power. She raised an arm and slammed her sword into the ground, sending shockwaves of energy out, easily demolishing the robots and tanks.

"Oh my God you DID hit puberty you're like a whole foot taller now!" Bow cried. "And you're not even wearing heels! I mean, look at those boots. Just when I thought you couldn't get any gayer!"

She-blah went on to effortlessly destroy the rest of the tanks, robots and soldiers. Glimmer came running up to Bow's side.

"Bow! Are you al-"

"Glimmer!" Bow cut her off. "Is that _Adora_?!" She-blah let out a triumphant roar as she slugged a Horde soldier in the gut. "Okay yeah that's definitely her."

"It's She-blah!" Glimmer said with a smile.

"Retreat!" The Horde soldiers had no choice but to run screaming in fear. She-blah started after them, ready to-

"Augh! Leg cramp!" She staggered, her powers winking out. "I really need to stretch before I fight-" The smoke cleared and Adora caught sight of Catra for an instant. "Catra!" she called. Catra glared at her, then backed away into the smoke. "DAMMIT IF I'D HAD A TREAT SHE WOULDA COME RIGHT TO ME-"

"You did it!" Bow cried, running up and tackling her. "Hey, wow, you have _really_ improved at hugging. I'd give this one an eight out of ten."

"Hooray, you saved the village!" Glimmer cheered. A house collapsed behind them. "…I'm sure they have good insurance. But you saved all the citizens!" There was a pair of feet sticking out from the pile of rubble. "…I'm sure they'll have a lovely funeral."

"Yeah, I did it," Adora said slowly. "I…_turned_ against the Horde." She paused as it sank in. "Oh my GOD I turned against the HORDE I'm going to be in SO much trouble they're going to give me detention or expel me for SURE my perfect record is ruined forever and what about my star stickers for being a good girl-"

"Calm down, it's gonna be okay!" Glimmer said, smiling. "You're with US now!"

"_We're the best friend squad, yeah! The best friend squad! The best friend squad, yeah! The best friend squad_!" Bow sang happily. Glimmer rolled her eyes but didn't tell him to stop.

"Come on, let's go home." She helped Adora to her feet and they all began to walk away. The horse joined them after a moment.

"Okay, seriously, whose horse is this?"

"It's mine now."

"How-"

"I spit on it."

"You really need to stop doing that."

-Episode 2 End-


	3. Episode 3: The Ol' Razzle Dazzle

Author's Note: still alive lol

She-Blah

Episode 3

The Ol' Razzle Dazzle

Adora, Glimmer and Bow traveled down a dirt path cutting through the woods, heading back to the Rebel fortress, Bright Moon. Glimmer rode the stolen- er…_borrowed_ horse, slumped over in exhaustion, while the other two were on foot. Adora shot her a nasty look.

"…She means nothing to you, right?" she whispered to the horse.

"What?" Glimmer asked.

"Nothing!" Adora turned away, muttering under her breath. "_Home-wrecker_."

"Okay no seriously you're whispering something just tell me-"

"We're here!" Bow cried, waving his arms excitedly. Adora looked up and gasped at the sight.

"Oh my gosh WOW look at that it's so beautiful-"

"This is a rest area," Glimmer said, pointing at a row of port-a-potties with a cloud of flies buzzing around.

"…Oh." Adora paused. "…Well that explains the smell."

"I'll be just a sec. Here, hold my bow and arrows, I don't want them getting all stinky. Plus I dropped my last bow in the can so I learned my lesson." Bow dumped his weapons in Glimmer's arms and hurried into one of the stalls, slamming the door shut behind him. "Dammit, there's no toilet paper in here!"

Adora and Glimmer stood there, waiting awkwardly.

"…Why would you think-"

"I didn't wanna be RUDE okay- I don't know where princesses live!"

"Ugh, forget it! It's not happening, I have _standards_." Bow kicked open the door and stomped out, cinching his belt.

"I've seen you shit in a bush," Glimmer said, deadpan.

"Because YOU cooked that night. I'll just hold it. Let's go."

The trio started back down the road again, rounding a curve in the trail to come upon…

"We're here!" Bow cried again. Adora waited. "…For real this time!" Adora waited some more. "…No, really, you can do it now."

"Oh okay I just wanted to be sure. _WOOOOW_!" Adora gasped aloud at the sight of the shimmering waterfall and elegant fortress situated at the base.

"Welcome to Bright Moon," Glimmer said happily. "Okay! I just need to sneak in, recharge, and deal with Mom. And by 'deal', I mean 'avoid'. Avoid like the fucking plague." She hesitated, glancing back at the others. "Hey, Bow? Maybe you should take Adora in…_the back way_."

"Aww, why? I wanted to flirt with the new guard-"

"BOW!"

"Okay, fine!" Bow threw up his hands. "Looks like _nobody's_ getting hugged today."

"Oh my God you slut."

"What's the back way?" Adora interrupted. She stared at them uncertainly for a long moment, then dropped to a whisper. "…Is…is it the butt?"

-Moments Later-

"I think I would prefer the butt stuff!" Adora wailed, clinging tightly to a rope and trying not to look down as she dangled over a raging river. Bow grunted and helped haul her up and over the windowsill into Glimmer's bedroom.

"Look, it might seem weird, but we _totally_ come in this way all the time," he told her as she caught her breath. "Completely normal. Also, we're, like, _really_ quiet and try to not attract any attention. At all. Here, why don't you put this concealing robe on for no reason?"

"…Are you trying to hide me?" Adora's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"What? No! Of course not!" Bow looked at her innocently. "…Now get in the closet before someone sees you."

-Meanwhile-

Glimmer mumbled to herself as she rode across the bridge leading to the fortress, trying to come up with a good lie for her mother.

"So I was out meeting my secret boyfriend when- no, she'll never believe that. The crop tops were on sale at the mall so we- no not that either. Let's see…we got hungry and went for tacos- okay, that one sounds better-"

"_GLIMMER_!" Queen Angella stormed out towards her, fuming.

"IT WAS ALL BOW!" Glimmer shrieked, clutching the horse's reins. "I mean, um, tacos-"

"Why are you riding a _horse_?" the Queen went over her. "You don't even have your license yet! Do you want to get a ticket, or even _arrested_?! You'd better believe I wouldn't bail you out!"

"Mom, it's fine, I have my learner's permit and Bow was with me-"

"Well he's not with you _now_ and you're not even wearing a _safety harness_-" Glimmer went for an eye-roll but got dizzy and overbalanced. She fell off the horse and her mother caught her with a gasp. "Glimmer! …That's not the proper way to swoon, you need to roll your eyes back and UP and then press your hand to your forehead and- wait, what am I doing?!" Cradling her daughter in her arms, she opened her wings and flew up towards the large glowing jewel on a pedestal at the front of the fortress. She landed below the jewel, lay Glimmer down in its warm rays, put a pair of sunglasses and a hat on her, then pulled out a bottle of SPF 45 suntan lotion and started slathering Glimmer's face and arms, who woke and sat up, spluttering.

"Mom! What the heck are you doing?"

"Well I don't want you to _burn_. At least one of us has to care about your complexion!" She knelt next to her daughter, expression softening. "You should eat something, too. Are you strong enough? Do I need to chew it for you first-"

"No, thank you, I've had enough of that for today," Glimmer quickly cut her off.

"Are you sure you're all right, dear?" Angella went on gently.

"Yeah, mom, I'm-"

"Okay good. **BECAUSE YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE**-"

"Mom what the hell!" Glimmer glared at her, hands over her ears. "Where did you get the megaphone?"

"From Bow."

"What? He would never-"

"I traded it for a pair of my heels. He said they made him feel tall, and his ass look amazing."

"Okay he would." Glimmer stuck a finger in her ear and wiggled it around. "Bad news is that I'm deaf. Good news is that I'm deaf and can't hear you yell at me anymore-"

"Where did you two even GO?" the Queen asked in exasperation. "And don't you DARE tell me you went to get tacos." Glimmer winced.

"Alright, fine. Bow and I went and found a piece of super powerful First One's tech in the woods," she explained, standing up. "…And a hot single-"

"_What_?"

"I mean…it's a surprise! You're totally gonna love it, I promise. Stay right here and close your eyes. No peeking!" She teleported away in a puff of glitter.

"Maybe you should charge for a little bit-" Angella began. Glimmer went plummeting by, screaming. "…longer."

-With Bow and Adora-

Meanwhile, Bow was keeping a close watch on the door, peeking out nervously every few seconds while Adora sat on a couch by the window.

"Why do you keep doing that?" she asked. "Is it dangerous for me to be here because I'm a Horde soldier?"

"Don't worry, you're going to befineeee_oh my God they're coming hide under the bed before they tear you apart_!" Bow shrieked. "Oh no, wait, false alarm. It was just a housekeeper. Heyyyy girl! Yeah, you _mop_ that floor!"

"…I'm kinda getting the feeling that you guys don't want me here," Adora said quietly.

"Whatever would make you think that?" Bow asked, then turned and saw a propaganda poster of a Princess slaughtering Horde soldiers with glee. "_Oh Godammit Glimmer_-" He hurriedly ripped the poster down and walked over to Adora, sitting beside her. "Listen, it's just that the people of Bright Moon have all had their loved ones slaughtered mercilessly by the Horde and homes demolished to rubble and lives absolutely destroyed and I just realized this probably isn't helping-"

"It's really not."

"Yeah sorry. Anyway. It's not your fault." Bow patted her knee soothingly. "I'm sure once they get to know you the people of Bright Moon are going to _love_ you, just like Glimmer and I already-"

Glimmer suddenly teleported into the room. Bow screamed and shoved Adora backwards out the window with a crash of breaking glass.

"Okay, nobody panic, but I told mom we have a surprise for her!" Glimmer paused, staring at Bow. "Where's Adora?" He stared back, eyes wide.

"…I panicked."

"Getting that feeling again," Adora called, clinging to the windowsill. Glimmer and Bow hurriedly pulled her back inside.

"Oh, don't worry, my mom'll love you," Glimmer was saying as she helped Adora straighten her clothes and hair. "And by 'you' I mean 'She-blah.' She will absolutely HATE you if she finds out that you're Horde soldier. Probably hold a public execution and everything. Parade your head around on a stick, after. So, we'll just tell her…_later_. After she's had a couple glasses of wine."

"On it!" Bow pulled out a bottle and took a swig. "OOooh, that _burns_." Glimmer grabbed the bottle from him and sniffed it.

"Bow, this is grape juice."

"Yeah, and it's not even _watered down_."

"Glimmer, I don't know if I can just turn into She-blah like _that_," Adora said nervously, snapping her fingers. "I mean, I've only done it when someone was in _danger_ before-"

"Oh, well that's easy!" Glimmer raised the sword to throw at Bow, who shrieked in terror and shrank away.

"OMIGOD WILL YOU STOP-" Adora snatched the sword back.

"Calm down, Adora, you're going to do _fine_!" Glimmer said, waving away her protests. "Look, we'll go buy you some time, so just hang out here with the sword, maybe try to get to know each other a little better. And remember, I can always stab Bow as a last resort."

"Hey!"

Bow was cut off as Glimmer grabbed him and teleported away. There was a pause followed by a loud splash.

"Dammit, Glimmer! Not again! Now my pants are going to _chafe_!"

"Oh please, like they could get any tighter!"

Adora stood there awkwardly for a long moment, holding the sword up in front of her face.

"…Hi, how's it going." She paused. "Sooo…what do you like to do for fun? I like to punch people." She paused again. "Are we best friends yet? No…? Maybe we should practice turning into She-blah. Here, I'll start. _For the honor of Gray_-" She swung the sword up, hit the chandelier, knocked off the candles, and caught the drapes on fire. Then the smoke alarm went off, and the sprinklers came on.

Adora stared at the mess in silence for a long moment, blinking water out of her eyes. "…What's that?" She looked at the sword, cocking her head. "We should get the fuck outta here? Great idea! Let's go." She made a hasty escape down the 'back way', scuttling over to where her horse boyfriend was grazing on a nearby hill.

"I'm back, babe! Did you miss me?" The horse looked up, chewing on a butterfly, and sneezed right in her face. "I'll take that as a yes. Wanna go see a movie or something? Hang on, let me get all dolled up." Adora held up the sword. "For the honor of Grayskull!" Nothing happened. "…Excuse me for a second." Smiling sweetly, she walked a few steps away. "_Dude what the fuck I talked to you for like five whole minutes how are we not besties yet? It worked with Bow_!" she hissed at the sword, then cleared her throat and tried again. "For the honor of Grayskull!" Still nothing. "…Please?" Nope. "Ugh, _fine_! Let's take a break. Here, can you hold this for me?" Adora put the sword in the horse's mouth. Immediately the music began to play as the horse magically transformed- "OH SO YOU'LL WORK FOR THE FUCKING _HORSE_?!"

The horse, now with a horn, flowing mane, and pimped-out rainbow wings, whinnied in terror and flew off, heading to a nearby rebel encampment where it started smashing tents and breaking shit. Adora followed, waving her arms at the panicking rebels.

"No, stop! Don't hurt him! He's not bad, look at him, he's covered in friggin rainbows!" The rebels all turned to look at her and gasped, noting her Horde attire. "Please, wait! I'm…I'm not with the Horde!"

"Oh. All right then." They all immediately put their weapons away. Adora sagged with relief.

"Well that was easy-"

*_FRRRRRRTTTTT_*

Horse turds rained down on the soldiers, covering them from head to toe. The soldiers narrowed their eyes and glared venomously at Adora.

"GET. HER."

"Oh come the fuck ON!" Adora wailed. With no other choice, she fought her way through the camp, throwing blows as well as apologies, expect for that one guy, he totally deserved it. Breaking away from the mob, she tripped and fell down a ravine into a muddy ditch. She staggered through the watery trench into the nearby woods as the rebels continued searching for her.

"Ugh! My horse boyfriend just _ditched_ me! Literally!" Adora groaned. "I can't believe this shit! LITERALLY!"

-Back Inside the Fortress-

Glimmer, meanwhile, was leading her mother through the halls of the fortress, heading towards her room.

"Is the blindfold really necessary?" the Queen asked, walking slowly with her hands out. She bumped into a pinata, smacked it in half with a wiffle bat, and kept going.

"Of course it is, Mom!" Glimmer said, eating some of the fallen candy. "We don't want to ruin the surprise."

"It just seems like I keep walking into a lot of walls and tripping over things. You're being _extra_ careful guiding me, right?"

"Absolutely!" They were standing at the top of a flight of stairs. "…Now take a BIG step forward."

"Hey, Glimmer!" Bow popped up. "I went to the store and got streamers and confetti and balloons this is gonna be the BEST surprise ev- why are you trying to kill your mom?"

"What?" said Angella.

"_Bow_!" Glimmer cried with false cheer, glaring at him. "I'm SO glad you're here. Right now. At this exact moment. Could you go and check to make sure that the… _surprise_…is ready for us?"

"…I don't know," Bow said slowly, looking between her and her mom. "I'm not sure if I should leave you two…_alone_." He paused. "Like, legally speaking. I'm probably an accomplice at this point."

"Oh, don't be silly, Bow," the Queen scoffed. "We'll be perfectly fine." She turned toward the open window. "It's this way, right?"

"You got it, Mom."

"I REALLY DON'T THINK-"

"DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME!"

"FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS KILL THEIR MOMS!" Bow hissed back. "Seriously, I may have to revoke your hand-holding privileges if this continues." Glimmer gasped, horrified. "Now, are we going to have a problem?" She pouted and shook her head. "Good. Be right back." He sped off down the hallway, leaving Glimmer to sulk with her mother.

"Glimmer, why on earth are you so stiff? I told you you needed to start doing _yoga_-"

"Mom, I'm over here. That's a statue."

"Oh. Well you really can't blame me-"

"A MALE statue."

"…Alright, you're allowed to be mad at me."

Suddenly Bow came running back, wailing like a siren.

"What's going on, what is that sound?" the Queen asked, cocking her head. "Is there a fire, or is a tornado approaching?"

"Oh, don't worry, I'm sure everything is fine perfectly fine normal BOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Glimmer snarled in a furious whisper. Bow grabbed her and pulled her aside.

"_OH MY GOD GLIMMER THIS IS HORRIBLE ADORA IS MISSING AND SHE TRASHED YOUR ROOM OR NO WAIT IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE THAT CUZ YOU'RE SUCH A SLOB_-"

"WHO is missing?" Angella asked, standing in front of him, blindfolded face scrunched with suspicion. Bow blinked, then looked over to see Glimmer standing a few feet away, looking at him in confusion.

"Oh, sorry, I meant to grab Glimmer," Bow said. "I mean, it was an honest mistake, you two just look so alike-"

"No we don't!" Glimmer shouted. "She's like seven feet tall and 50% wings!"

Several guards ran up, stopping to salute their Queen.

"Your Majesty! We have reports that-"

"It's me," Glimmer interrupted them. She pointed. "My mom's over there."

"Oh. My mistake. You two just look so alike."

"SEE?!" Bow shrilled.

"Shut up!"

"A Horde spy has been found on the Bright Moon grounds!" the guard reported.

"Nice going, guys! You ruined the surprise!" Bow huffed, throwing his hands up. "This party has officially been _cancelled_. NOW I have to go return everything! It's a good thing I kept the receipts!"

"She attacked our troops with the aid of a hideous, rabid winged beast," the guard continued. "And then it shit on the soldiers. And on the tents. And everywhere else." They paused. "You don't want to go outside right now."

"GLIMMER. WHAT. DID. YOU. _DO_?!" The Queen bristled with fury, whirling around to yell at…

The statue.

"YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE YOUNG LADY OF ALL THE IRRESPONSIBLE THINGS FOR YOU TO DO-"

Glimmer and Bow exchanged glances, then slowly began to back away.

-At the Horde Fortress-

The Horde cadets were all gathered in the locker room, listening to Lonnie describe the battle of Thaymor. Catra sat by herself off in the corner, licking her arm.

"I'm telling you guys, this new Princess makes Jasmine look like _Hasbeen_ and Moana like _yo mama_!" Lonnie was saying. "She wiped the floor with us like we were Pine-Sol! She was twelve feet tall and she was wearing the new Yeezys and her hair blinded all of us so she could destroy our machines! We were lucky to get out of there without magically falling in love." She paused awkwardly. "I mean…not…not like I _wanted_ to, or anything." She paused again. "But you've all seen her, right? Like. DAMN. She could destroy me any day."

"I can't find any information about her," Kyle said, popping out of one of the lockers. "Disney's got nothing, not even a new trailer! Maybe she's related to Rapunzel based on her fabulous golden hair-"

"Who said you could come out of the locker?"

"Okay right sorry." He leaned back in and closed the door.

"_Pfft_!" Catra snorted to herself.

"You got something to say, or are you coughing up a hair ball?" Lonnie snapped at her.

"Excuse me. I'm in the shower." Catra glared back, mid-lick. "_Rude_."

"You're the only one who saw her up close," Lonnie said, crossing her arms. "Don't tell me _you_ fell in love with her. I thought you and Adora were a thing."

"…I ship them," Kyle said from inside the locker. "They're my OTP. The potential angst is just _superb-_" Lonnie punched the door.

"_Hsss_!" Catra snarled and leapt to her feet, storming up to get right in Lonnie's face. "The only _thing_ Adora and I are is _over_. And the same goes for this new Princess. I can take her out any time I want-" There was a muffled squeal. "NOT TO FUCKING DINNER KYLE JESUS CHRIST-"

"Your breath smells like fuckin' Friskies." Lonnie shoved her back roughly.

"Bitch how would you even _know_-"

"Watch it, Catra. Adora's not here anymore," Lonnie taunted. "I bet you'd look _real_ cute in one of those lil' pet costumes."

"Go ahead, try me, bitch!" Catra shot back. "I'll have ASPCA so far up your ass it could be used as a _kennel_." With one last glare for the other cadets, she turned to leave…and started scratching at the door. "Someone come open this for me. I want to go out and then come back in again and then maybe stare at the corner for an hour-"

"…So is this a love triangle or, like, an OT3 situation…?" Kyle began. Lonnie kicked the door, rattling it.

-With Adora-

Adora, meanwhile, was running for her life through the thick forest. She glanced behind her, saw that she had finally lost her pursuers, and promptly tripped over a log, landing face-first in a puddle.

"…Well at least I know I got my cardio in for today," she grumbled, sitting up and wiping her face. The sword in her hand began to glow. "I am NOT talking to you right now. I'm angry with you! In fact, I would like to request a return." She stood up to address the woods, holding out the sword and clearing her throat. "Yes, hello? I got this from here and I'd like to return it." She paused, waiting. "Cash is fine."

A nearby sound caught her attention, and Adora crept closer to investigate. Through the trees, she spotted a rickety shack built into the hillside, partially covered in plants with a small chimney and smoke coming out.

"Who the hell lives here, Bilbo Baggins?" she muttered to herself. A bent old woman in a tattered red dress came out of the shack and started vacuuming the dirt. "Okay nevermind it's fucking _Smeagol_-"

"Hmm?" The old woman stopped humming to herself and froze, several butterflies fluttering around her. "What's that? You heard something? Yes, I did too!" she whispered to herself.

"Yup, definitely Smeagol. Look at that crazy old lady, talking to herself." Adora snorted. "…Wait a minute."

"Who's there?!" the old lady called aloud. "Come out right now, or else!"

"_Pfft_, like she could do anything that would make me-"

"That's it! I'm taking my top off!"

"WHOA okay okay I'm here stop!" Adora hurried out of the bushes and stood there awkwardly. "Hi, ma'am, sorry to bother you, but have you seen Lisa Frank's wet dream fly by-"

"You…you…!" The old lady gasped, staring up at her with huge eyes behind thick glasses, then cracked her ankles with the vacuum. "Intruder!"

"OW! What're you- stop!" A roomba came out to join the fun, bashing into the back of Adora's feet.

"Wait…" She paused, squinting up at Adora. "I think I _know_ you…"

"Oh thank God-"

"How dare you make me wait so long, Mara?!" She cracked her ankles again.

"Oh my Christ STOP." Adora kicked the vacuum away. "Look, I'm sorry, but you seem to have me confused with someone else-"

"I made cookies just for you!"

"_Yup it's me I'm Mara_\- no wait what am I doing?" Adora groaned to herself, shaking her head. "What _kind_ of cookies?"

"Chocolate chip."

"Okay yeah I'm definitely Mara." She followed the old lady inside the little hut, looking around at the clutter.

"You promised me we would go berry picking today," the old lady said, picking up a picnic basket.

"…I did?" Adora asked through a mouthful of cookies. "I mean…of course I did." She paused to swallow. "Can I get a glass of milk, please?"

"Of course!" The old lady turned to give her a glass, then suddenly screamed and dropped it. "Who are you?! How did you get into Madame Razz's house?! How did you get Mara's sword?! I'm calling the police!" She picked up a banana. "Hello, police?!"

"Wait what weren't we about to go berry picking?!"

"You're right!" Razz took a bite out of the banana, peel and all, tossed it over her shoulder, and handed Adora a basket. "Let's go!" She hauled her out of the shack, dragging her off into the woods like a senile serial killer.

"Whoa, wait, hold on! You said something about the sword- _somewhere in between all the screaming and raving_\- have you _seen_ it before?" Adora asked, holding it up.

"Of course I have, you silly girl, Mara!" Madame Razz tittered. "You let me use it to unclog my toilet."

Adora immediately dropped the sword.

"I let you do WHAT with it?" She covered her face with her hands. "NO WAIT THEYRE CONTAMINATED OH MY GOD EWWWW." She slathered herself with sanitizer, then took a breath to calm down. "Okay. Exactly HOW long have you been living alone in these woods? Do I need to call somebody? Social Services? A funeral home?"

"Oh, I'm not alone!" Madame Razz shook her frizzy head. "I have my vacuum, and all my friends!" She waved her arms at the empty air, then pointed to a nearby tree and whispered, "We're friends with _benefits_." She winked at the tree.

"Mental institute it is," Adora stated, then followed the crazy old lady through some hanging branches. She stopped as she saw a clearing ahead with a vine-covered ruin. "Hey! That's a ruin of a First One! Be careful, they're dangerous-"

"What?" Madame Razz called, already halfway up the building.

"_SONNUVA_-"

Lights suddenly flickered on as the ruin awoke, and the building zapped the old woman like an insect hitting a lamp. She fell to the ground, screaming, Adora barely managing to catch her in time.

"Oh my GOD are you all right?!"

"…I think my heart is working better now," Madame Razz stated, her hair smoking a little. "It doesn't have that weird stutter anymore."

They looked up to see the whole building had lit up, the sky above them changing color to display stars and constellations.

"Yes, we used to come here together to look at the stars," Madame Razz said wistfully. "It also makes a pretty decent movie screen. Let's see if they got anything new on Netflix!" She held up a remote. "How about the Great Etheria Baking Show?"

"Wait…I've _seen_ this before," Adora said.

"Well we can find something else to watch-"

"No, not that!" She shook her head in frustration. "I know all of this somehow…" She winced as visions passed through her head, finally snapping back to the present. She looked over to see Razz scrolling through New Releases. "What's happening to me? Please if you know anything, tell me!" The old lady smiled at her gently, then beckoned and opened her mouth. Adora leaned in close-

"_AAAAAAAAAAAA_!"

"…I don't know what I was expecting."

-With Catra-

Back at the Horde Fortress, Catra entered the sleeping quarters and sat down on a bed sulkily. She glanced to the side and saw a cute drawing of her and Adora holding hands. Hissing to herself, she pulled out a permanent marker and gave Adora a moustache. She turned her anger on the bedding, tearing up the sheets in a fit of rage, scattering the pieces, then dumping her litter box on it for good measure. Then she pulled out a tub of mouse-flavored Ben and Jerry's and start sobbing into the carton as she ate.

"You're taking this breakup really hard," Shadow Weaver said, slithering up behind her.

"I am not!" Catra snapped at her. "Now hand me that photo album of us, I need to set that shit on fire." She pulled out a lighter and flicked it on.

"I don't think that's going to work."

"Yeah you're right I should probably douse it in lighter fluid first or maybe just some cat pee, excuse me a moment-"

"_Catra_!"

"_What_?!"

"Enough of your sniveling! I gave you a simple assignment: _bring back Adora_." Shadow Weaver rose up, her shadows enveloping Catra. "Instead, you got your ass kicked and she's still missing!" She paused. "So you're definitely getting an F."

"Don't you get it?" Catra snorted at her. "She's gone! _Transferred_!"

"_Lies_!" Shadow Weaver cried. The lights in the room suddenly shattered. "…Godammit I'm gonna have to sign a request form to pay for those. Third time this month." She loomed over Catra menacingly. "That's it! I am taking you to the Principal's office!"

"Fine, see if I care." Catra rolled her eyes.

"But first…you need to take a bath."

"I already took a shower!" Catra protested, miming licking her arm.

"Not that kind," Shadow Weaver said dangerously. "I hope you like…_bubbles_."

"You mean..." Catra gasped. "_NOOOOOOOO_!" Shadow Weaver grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and dragged her out the door. Kyle walked in a few moments later.

"Hey! Who messed up my bed?!" There was a pause. "And my fanart! What the hell?!"

-With Adora-

Adora was still tromping through the woods with Madame Razz, struggling to keep up with the surprisingly spry old woman.

"Wait, slow down!" she called after her, panting. "Christ, how does this old hag have more stamina than I do? What kind of medication are you on? Do you drink Ensure?"

"Sweetie, I don't have my glasses on," Madama Razz called back. "You'll need to speak up!"

"…Bitch WHAT-"

"Where are my hearing aids? I can't see a thing!"

"_Listen_!" Adora finally caught up to her. "I need you to tell me what to do." She paused. "Like, literally. I had to ask Glimmer for permission before I could pee. I physically could not go otherwise. I've been a soldier all my life, I don't think I can function any other way. Which is pretty fucked up now that I say it aloud." She blinked. "Anyway, I left my whole life behind looking for answers. The Rebellion hates me, and now the Horde hates me, too. I want to do the right thing, but I don't KNOW what that IS-"

Adora looked up to find them standing at the edge of the forest. Before them were ravaged woodlands that have been stripped bare by Horde vehicles. They were double-parked everywhere with litter on the ground and baby animals covered in oil.

"…Okay I know what it is now."

The smoldering corpse of Smokey the Bear was slumped over in the corner.

"Deeefinitely know now."

"Once, the Princesses would've protected us," Madame Razz began, "but these days, they're too busy making movie deals with Disney. Meanwhile, the Horde creeps ever closer." She looked over at Adora. "…Excuse me, young man, who the fuck are you again?"

Adora opened her mouth to answer but froze as she heard a horse's terrified whinny.

"OH NO YOU DID NOT." She hurried over to a rise and looked down to see a Horde base stationed below, Horde soldiers surrounding the rainbow-winged horse as they tried to capture it with ropes. "BAE!"

"You're doing it wrong, you idiots!" a large, burly man with a beard was shouting. "In order to capture that Rapidash you have to _damage_ it first. Haven't _any_ of you played Pokémon?!"

"Oh my God I wish some swole Glamazon bitch would come put us out of our misery," one of the soldiers muttered.

"THAT CAN BE ARRANGED," Adora ground out. "Seriously, if I hadn't defected already I would now. This is the final straw. They're all fucking dead." She held up the sword. "For the honor of Grayskull!" Music began to play and glitter sparkled as she began to transform- "Oh NOW you work, huh?!"

Down below, the huge man was checking his pockets and grunted in disappointment.

"Dammit, I don't have any Pokeballs on me." He bent over and picked up a huge rock. "This'll have to do." He started shuffling closer to the panicking horse. "Okay, now just hold it still…"

She-blah slammed down in the middle of the group, cutting the horse free with a slash of her sword, then turned to the soldiers.

"I am giving you ONE chance," she said dangerously. "Turn off your machines and leave this place. NOW."

"…Is this some sort of new Pokémon?" the large man said aloud. "Princessa?" After a pause, he threw the huge rock at her. She caught it effortlessly.

"Wrong move, bitch." She crushed the stone to powder in her fist.

"Okay well we definitely know it's a power type-"

She-blah sent the soldiers flying, then moved on and started destroying the tanks and other vehicles, slashing their tires and pouring sugar into the gas tanks. She paused as she saw Madame Razz joining in, cracking a Horde soldier in the ankles with her vacuum. Her roomba zoomed by with a knife on it.

"Take that, and that!"

"Oh my God no stop you're going to get killed-" She-blah began. Razz punched the man in the dick. "Yeah okay nevermind she's fine."

The flying horse joined in as well, shitting on the soldiers from above, causing them to slip and fall as well as dealing massive damage to their morale and self-worth.

*_Scrooom_!*

A laser beam shot out of nowhere and blasted She-blah off her feet. She fell to the ground, shimmering weakly.

"Tank, I choose you!" The same annoying man was sitting on a nearby tank. "I use Laser Blast. It's super effective!"

"Mara, no!" Madame Razz ran up to She-blah, popped open her vacuum, and threw down the full bag, which exploded like a smoke bomb, hiding them from sight. When the smoke cleared, they were both gone.

"GODAMMIT IT GOT AWAY!" The man groaned with disappointment. "I bet it was a rare legendary one too! How am I gonna defeat the Fright Zone Gym now?"

"Oh my God she didn't kill me," the soldier from before said. "There's no choice. One of you guys has to stab me. End my pain!"

-Later-

Adora snapped awake, sitting upright in a rush. Looking around, she saw she was lying outside of Madame Razz's shack, the horse grazing beside her.

"What happened? What's going on? Something woke me up-" The horse farted. "Okay yup that was it." She gagged and plugged her nose.

"Are you alright, Mara?" Razz asked, hurrying over. "You fainted, so I put you in bed to rest."

"…Bitch we're _outside_." Adora stared up at her in confusion. "If you think this is inside, then…what's the house for?"

"You mean the toilet?"

"OH GOD I WAS IN THERE. I ATE in there!" Adora rolled over and started retching.

"Swift Wind and I have been talking while you were asleep," Razz went on, gesturing to the technicolor horse. "He thanks you for rescuing him and wants you to know that 'Horsey' was a stupid name. Pretty racist, too. He was really offended. Anyway, how do you feel?"

"…A little hurt, honestly. I've never named or even _seen_ a horse before and I was doing the best that I could- wait you can TALK to him?" Adora gaped at her in astonishment. "…Can you ask him if he loves me- I mean, if this is just a fling I'm totally fine with that too-"

"Well right now he wants some sugar-"

"ExCUSE me-"

"Cubes."

"Oh. Right." Adora fed him some while she thought for a minute. "I think I know what I need to do now. If the Princesses won't defend Etheria, then…_I_ will…" She paused heavily, a determined look in her eyes. "…_MAKE THEM_." She turned back to Madame Razz. "It's time to punch some people. I need to get back to Bright Moon. Will I see you again? I mean, other than in my nightmares, or when I'm discussing you during therapy."

"If you need me, you will always know where to find me," she answered mysteriously, chuckling.

"…In my heart?" Adora asked after a moment.

"Under your bed," Razz whispered.

"Hold on what-"

"Well now off you go! See you later! I've got something to take care of!" The little old lady waved and walked away into the hut, shutting the door behind her. Adora watched her go, frowning.

"…Wait isn't that the-"

*_Frrrrrrrt_!*

"OKAY TIME TO GO!" Adora quickly turned to the horse. "Hey so this might be a bit forward of me, but can I get a ride back to Bright Moon with you, Swift Wind?" The horse just stared at her for a moment, then leaned forward and bit her shirt. "Oh no wait I meant on your back- _AAAAAAAAUUUUUUU…_!" She screeched as the horse launched off into the clouds, dragging her with him.

-Back at Bright Moon-

Back at the Rebellion Fortress, Queen Angella was still yelling.

"How could you _possibly_ think this was a good surprise?!" the Queen cried in outrage. "I mean, it's better than that horrid sweater you got me for Christmas, but still! A _Horde soldier_?!" She and Glimmer were in the throne room, several guards and other rebels standing around, uncomfortably watching the spectacle.

"Mom, just calm down and- wait, what? You told me you loved that sweater! It had reindeer noses right were your boobs are! How was that _not_ a good gift?" Glimmer gaped at her. "Anyway, I said I was sorry! You guys are on my side, right?" She looked over at the guards.

"Hey, don't get us involved," one cried. "I already lost my TV privileges!"

"Don't even talk to me!" another said, sitting in the time-out corner.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light from the entrance and a glowing She-blah walked in, head held high and proud as she approached the Queen. Bow ran over, screaming, and shoved a lampshade over her head. Everyone stared at him.

"…Sorry, I panicked again."

"It can't be…" the Queen gasped in disbelief. "She-blah!"

"Your Majesty," She-blah said, her voice echoing inside the lampshade. "I've come to pledge myself to your flag…under the Princess state of Etheria, for which it stands- I mean, um…" She hesitated. "There's something you should know." Removing the lampshade, she closed her eyes and transformed back into Adora. Everyone gasped. Bow screamed again and started running up with a blanket but Glimmer stopped him.

"Mom, this is Adora," Glimmer said quietly. Adora knelt and held out her sword.

"I know you have no reason to trust me, your Majesty-" she began.

"SHE'S THREATENING THE QUEEN! GET HER!" The guards immediately dog-piled her to the ground.

"No, wait!" Adora struggled to push them off. "I've seen for myself the horrible things the Horde has done- even unknowingly and yet most of the time quite enthusiastically participated in some of them- against the people of Etheria, and I'm ready to fight to stop them! Please, give me a chance! I know I can help the Rebellion win this war!"

The Queen hesitated, then slowly reached out to take the sword-

"THE QUEEN'S THREATENING HERSELF! GET HER!" The guards dog-piled her to the ground as well.

After the guards were thoroughly scolded and all made to sit in the corner with no dessert for a week, the Queen turned back to Adora and continued, sword in hand.

"I know the legend of the warrior the First Ones called She-blah," she said. "Even had a Barbie doll of you as a child. I thought you were just a myth, but you're here now. Do you pledge to stand with us against those you once served?"

"Yes." Adora nodded solemnly. "If that means punching people. Yes? Okay just checking. Continue."

"Glimmer," the Queen turned to her daughter. "Do you vouch for her, and will you take responsibility for anything she does?"

"Yes." Glimmer nodded.

"And will you share punishment if she breaks any rules?"

"Ye- wait hold on WHAT-"

"Very well." The Queen paused. "I'm going to need to see some references."

"Oh yes of course." Adora pulled out a paper and handed it over. "Here's my resume. It's laminated. Please note the section on all the different ways I can kill people with only one hand."

"Now rise! The Rebellion accepts your allegiance, Princess of Power," the Queen said proudly. Everyone cheered as Glimmer and Bow ran forward and swept Adora up in a warm hug.

"Welcome to the gang!" Glimmer said, smiling. Adora smiled back.

"Yeah, good luck getting out of it!" Bow chuckled. "Seriously. There's only one way."

"And what's that?" Adora asked, laughing along.

"DEATH."

"Oh my God."

"Here's all the paperwork for you to fill out." The Queen slammed down a foot-thick stack of papers next to Adora. "Have these all filled out by tomorrow. There will be a Rebellion orientation on Monday, where you will get your Princess ID badge, training will take six to eight weeks and there _will_ be a urine test-"

"OH MY GOD."

-At the Horde Fortress-

Shadow Weaver held Catra by the scruff of her neck as she dragged her through the hallways of the Horde Fortress to see Lord Hordak. Finally they arrived at a sinister green throne room with a raised dais. They slowly approached the throne, Catra shivering in fear and slowly raising her eyes to see…

A weird little imp baby sitting there.

"…Are fucking you kidding me? That's Hordak? What, is he gonna order me to change his _diaper_?"

"_Ahem_." Catra froze, then slowly turned to find a tall, evil looking man with a skeletal face standing behind them, cup in hand. "…I was getting coffee." He paused, then took a long, loud sip from his World's Best Evil Boss mug. "Also, I couldn't find a baby sitter."

"_Kneel_!" Shadow Weaver shoved Catra to the ground. "Lord Hordak, I gave this impudent brat a simple assignment: return Force Captain Adora to the Fright Zone. Instead, she completely flunked out. I want her expelled!"

"You're still down a Force Captain?" Hordak asked in a hard voice, picking up the imp and placing it in a baby harness on his chest before sitting in his throne. He produced a bone-shaped rattle and shook it while the imp cooed. "Why haven't you elected someone else to take her place?"

"But…my Lord!" Shadow Weaver sputtered. "Adora was class PRESIDENT-"

"Are you playing favorites again? I told you, it's against regulations. There will be NO teachers pets. Just use Catra." He paused. "No offense."

"Catra?!" Shadow Weaver scoffed. "She has been nothing but a disappointment to me. She smokes _catnip_, sir. She's probably high right now!"

"I am not!" Catra said, then paused. "Got any cat treats? I'm kinda hungry-"

"Doesn't that reflect poorly on your _own_ teaching methods?" Hordak went on harshly. "She's probably just projecting what she's seen from you. You have no-one but yourself to blame for her behavior."

"_Pfft_, this is great, I wish Adora was here to see this with me," Catra snorted to herself, then scowled. "No wait screw that bitch I'm glad she's gone."

"Enough of this! I have made my decision." Hordak stood up from his throne. "Rise…Force Captain Catra." He stepped forward and handed her a green Force Captain badge…on an animal collar. Catra stared at it for a long moment. "…It protects against fleas too-"

"Oh my God that was ONE TIME-"

-Episode 3 End-


	4. Episode 4: Flirting with She-Blah

She-Blah

Episode 4

Flirting With She-Blah

"Oh my gosh, this is SO great!" Glimmer gushed excitedly as she walked with Adora down the hallways of the Rebellion fortress. "I can't believe my mom is letting you stay here in Bright Moon!"

"I know, right?" Adora agreed, stopping to pull up her pant leg. "And all I have to do is wear this ankle monitor at all times, consent to random body searches, and piss in a cup every 24 hours!"

"Damn, she's going easier on you than she did ME the last time I snuck out!" Glimmer paused. "…You think you could get her to let me watch R-rated movies?"

"I don't know if that'll work," Adora said doubtfully, rolling her pant leg back down. "Shadow Weaver only let me watch them for…_educational_ purposes."

"…What do you mean educational no wait nevermind I don't think I want to know-"

"How to properly slaughter the innocents-"

"_I said I didn't want to know_!" Glimmer shouted, covering her ears with her hands. She let out a sigh as they turned the corner. "Anyway, I've given you a tour of the whole fortress-"

"Including the men's _bathroom_," Adora muttered under her breath.

"Hey, I'm still working on my teleportation powers! I didn't mean to overshoot the cafeteria."

"Tell that to the guy we scared the literal piss out of."

"That was just Bow. He'll be fine. I do it all the time." Glimmer waved her protests away. "Now…here's your brand new room!" They stopped at a door and she kicked it open. "Ta-_daaah_!"

Adora screamed.

"…Is that good screaming or bad screaming?" Glimmer asked after a moment. "I can't tell."

The room was furnished with a ludicrous amount of sparkly pink pillows, a heart-shaped chandelier, and a huge canopied bed with a Disney Princess sheet set. It looked like Barbie threw up on everything. There was even an elegant waterfall trickling in the corner. Adora finally ran out of breath and the scream petered out, leaving her panting.

"…The fuck is the waterfall for? Showering?"

"Ha! _Showering_!" Glimmer snorted. "Good one!"

"Ahaha, yeahhh, I sooo got you," Adora chuckled along, quickly pulling her jacket back on.

"It's for the bathroom, silly."

"_Oh God_."

"Remember, Bow's letting you borrow this stuff for now, so make sure you take good care of it. Also, I'm right down the hall if you need me." Glimmer gave her a pat on the back. "Try not to kill anyone, okay? Night!" She skipped off down the hall, leaving Adora alone.

"_Wait please don't leave_\- dammit she's gone." Adora looked at the room and shuddered. "I think the person I'm going to kill is _myself_. It is physically painful for me to be in this room." Taking a breath, she steeled herself and walked in, wincing at the lethal amounts of glitter everywhere. "Well…this certainly is…_different_ from the Fright Zone. Maybe now I can finally…_relax_." She stood there for a moment. "…Whatever the fuck that means." She paused again, then reached under her shirt and whipped off her bra. "OHHH YEAH THERE WE GO SO MUCH BETTER." Adora sighed and threw herself on the bed. "Ahhh this is so great it feels like I can't breathe wait OH FUCK IT'S GOT ME!" She was immediately absorbed into the fluffy mattress and trapped in its squishy confines. "Unhand me, foul beast, or I will slay your children!" She flailed about, seizing a few of the smaller pillows and ripping them up. The bed didn't respond, being a fucking bed. "You heartless monster! Prepare to die!" She punched the mattress, which burst open, feathers flying everywhere. "Oh God I hit an artery! I'm covered in its life blood!" She struggled free and ran out of the room, screaming. "Glimmer! GLIMMER! I need your help hiding a body before the Queen-" She rounded a corner and came face to face with the Queen. "QUEEN ANGELLA. GOOD EVENING. IMAGINE MEETING YOU HERE. NOW. OF ALL TIMES-"

"Why are you covered in feathers?" Angella asked in confusion.

"You don't want to know," Adora whispered, then started hacking. "Oh God I think I _swallowed_ some of it." She glanced over to see a large mural of a handsome, bearded man with a staff and cape. "…I'd hit that."

"Excuse ME," the Queen said sharply, glaring at her. "That is my _husband_."

"I meant I'd punch him. He looks like a worthy opponent."

"…Oh." The Queen blinked and turned back to the mural. "My husband, King Micah, built the Rebellion with me, and was one of the first casualties of the Horde." She gave Adora a dark look. "Adora, I am giving you a chance because my daughter vouched for you despite your questionable background. …And also because your references checked out." Her eyes narrowed further. "Do NOT disappoint her."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Adora answered solemnly, then sneezed up a wad of feathers right in her face.

-The Next Morning-

Glimmer rolled over in her sleep, curled up in her weird hanging bed thing that looked rather unsafe. She stirred, face scrunching in annoyance.

"Ugh, Bow, did you steal all of the blankets again?" She opened her eyes to find Adora asleep beside her. "…How much did I drink last night?" Suddenly Adora's eyes flew open and she screamed, which in turn made Glimmer scream and fall backwards off the bed (see?!). Luckily she managed to teleport into a pile of pillows just before hitting the floor.

"Oh, God! Sorry!" Adora called down, poking her head over the edge. "I should have warned you, that's how we normally wake up in the Horde. You know. Screaming."

"Adora, what the hell?" Glimmer glared up at her. "How did you get _in_ here? There was a _guard_."

"I punched him."

"The door was _locked_."

"I punched it."

"What?" She glanced over and saw the demolished door, as well as the guard's boots sticking through the doorway. "…We'll have to get them a fruit basket. But anyway. What are you doing in here, Adora?"

"Look, I couldn't sleep in the same room as a _dead corpse_-"

"Wait what." Glimmer went pale. "Oh God, who did you kill?"

"I made a huge mess in my room, it got everywhere. Oh, and I killed all of their children, too."

"_What_?! Jesus, Adora! We'll have to hide the body- sorry, _bodies_ before Mom sees-"

"Oh yeah your mother was there too she totally saw me so she's a witness we might have to get rid of her-"

"Not a problem."

"Hold on." Adora looked down at the bed she was crouched on. "Is this it's next of kin? Will it be after me for revenge?"

"…Okay, wait." Glimmer stared in confusion. "You murdered…a _mattress_?"

"Yes. What did you think we were talking about?"

"Nothing." Glimmer quickly stuffed the trash bags back into the closet. "I guess we won't be needing these."

"Anyway, I don't think your mother likes me." Adora shrugged. "Other than as She-blah. She just wants me for my body."

"Come on, that's not true!" Glimmer teleported back up to the hanging bed and sat beside her. "Listen, mom invited you to our weekly meeting with the Rebellion generals. She wouldn't have done that if she didn't like you." She paused. "Unless it's a public execution." She paused again. "Either way, there will be donuts."

"_Ugghh_." Adora groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Wait what kind-"

-Later-

After breakfast, Adora, Glimmer and Bow went to the meeting room, a big room with murals painted on the walls and a long table in the center. Seated in the tall chairs were a multitude of pillows with smiley faces drawn on them.

"I got sad seeing them empty all the time," Bow said, holding a magic marker.

"Aww, that's sweet, Bow," Glimmer said, patting his shoulder. "You mind if I borrow one? My ass still hurts from falling off my bed this morning-"

"Wait, why are they all empty?" Adora asked. "Where _is_ everyone?"

"The chairs are for the other Princesses," Glimmer explained, "but none of them have been active members of the Rebellion since I was a kid. They had a really big fight years ago over what to order on a pizza, so the Princesses all quit, and now the new ones do the same."

"Except for Spinnerella and Netossa," Bow said, then turned and called out to two young women holding hands. "Hey, guys!"

"What?" they called back, sitting all the way down at the other end of the table.

"I really wish they would sit closer," Bow said wistfully.

"You know you could just get a smaller table," Adora pointed out, sitting in an empty chair. Everyone gasped. "…What? What's wrong?" she asked, confused. "Did someone call dibs? …Did someone fart in this?"

"That is NOT your chair," Queen Angella said coldly, appearing behind her. Adora stared up at her, frozen.

"…Are you sure? There wasn't a nametag or anythi-" Glimmer teleported over, grabbed her by the ponytail, and teleported them away to a different chair.

"You sat in my _dad's_ chair!" Glimmer hissed under her breath.

"How was I supposed to know?!" Adora hissed back. "There wasn't a pillow sitting in it!"

"Hey!" They looked over at Bow, who sat holding a pillow-dummy of the late King. "…I wasn't done making him yet." He scribbled a beard on with his marker. "There. _Now_ he's done."

"I asked you all here today because I received a distress call from Princess Perfuma," the Queen said, taking her place at the head of the table.

"What?" the other Princesses called from the back.

"I really don't understand why they don't just sit closer," the Queen muttered, then pulled out her megaphone before continuing. "The Horde is laying siege to her kingdom. They won't even respond to a _please_." Bow gasped in horror. "She is asking the Rebellion for assistance. Plumeria is located near the front line. The Horde has set up camp here, cutting off the main supply route." She pulled out a pair of Barbies to show placement on the table map. "…Sorry, the holographic display is malfunctioning. Someone tried to watch a porno movie on it."

"Wait a minute…are those mine?" Bow cried. "At least _ask_ first!"

"Alright, let's go kick some Horde ass!" Glimmer stood up.

"Glimmer, sit down or I will make you go sit at the children's table in the corner," her mother said automatically. They all glanced over to see several guards sitting there as punishment, playing with coloring books.

"Can I go now?" one guard asked, raising her hand.

"Have you learned to act like a big girl and not misbehave?" the Queen asked.

"…Lemme just finish this picture first." The guard glanced at the others. "Alright, who's hogging the red crayon?"

Glimmer quickly sat down.

"Queen Angella, we can DO this," Adora spoke up. "You should send me, Glimmer and Bow to help out." The Queen's eyes narrowed suspiciously as she plowed on. "I can go as She-blah and protect them from the Horde if they attack. I promise, I won't disappoint you." The Queen still hesitated. "…Please?"

"…Oh, alright, very well."

"YES! You won't regret this!" Adora said excitedly. Bow smacked her on the back and she immediately coughed up several more feathers, which floated down onto the tabletop. Everyone stared. "…That was the last time I swear-"

"Aaaand I'm already disappointed." Angella pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed.

"Alright, gang, let's go!" Adora stood up to leave, tripped over the King's chair, and fell down, knocking it over with a crash. "OH GOD I'M SO SORRY-"

"OUT!"

"What?"

-In the Fright Zone-

Back at the Horde fortress, the cadets were in the training room, practicing their fighting skills against a robot, which was currently holding Kyle hostage.

"…Yeah, go ahead, keep him," Lonnie said, crossing her arms. "We don't want him back." The lizard nodded in agreement.

"You guys are assholes!" Kyle shouted at them, still struggling.

"Speaking of assholes, where the fuck is Catra?" Lonnie frowned. "She's supposed to be here, doesn't she know attendance is like fifty percent of the grade hold on why do I smell Friskies-" She turned around and Catra, who had been standing there waiting, breathed right in her face.

"_Heyyyy_, Lonnie. Notice anything different about me?" she asked teasingly.

"You mean your black eye?" Lonnie growled, pulling back a fist. Catra tsked at her and tapped the shiny Force Captain badge hanging from her neck. "…Okay who the hell did you steal that from? You have to stop doing that, you could get in real trouble if they find out-"

"What? No!" Catra bristled in outrage. "I got it _legit_ this time. I'm your new Force Captain." The cadets gaped at her in disbelief.

"Wow, congrats, Catra!"

"Shut up, Kyle."

"I was _congratulating_ you!"

"Yeah, quit it, it's annoying."

"Oh please," Lonnie snorted. "If you're our new Force Captain, I'll make out with Kyle."

"Force Captain Catra." Shadow Weaver suddenly rose up from the shadows and slithered forth. "A word." She seized Catra by the collar and dragged her off to consume- I mean…_consult_.

Behind Lonnie, Kyle started making kissy noises. She whipped around and lunged for him.

"Bitch I will bite out your _tongue_!"

Back in the locker room, Shadow Weaver released Catra, dropping her to the floor in a heap.

"Now. Explain again how you lost Adora," she demanded.

"I told you everything I know!" Catra said, scrambling to her feet. "I wrote a five-hundred word essay with full color illustrations! What else do you _want_?"

"Tell me what you did to drive her off! I knew having you as a pet was too much responsibility for her. She already had her class duties and after school sports recreation, not to mention volunteering to really flesh out her resume-"

"Okay," Catra snorted in affront, "_first_ of all, if anyone did something to drive her off, it would've been fucking _Kyle_-"

"_Hey_!" There was a shout from the other room. "I heard that!"

"Nobody cares!" Catra shouted back. "Shut the fuck up!"

"He is rather annoying," Shadow Weaver admitted. "But I still don't believe you. Tell me what happened or I'll stop buying you Blue Buffalo and go with a shitty generic brand cat food- _ugh_!" She suddenly groaned, doubling over in pain. The gem on her forehead flickered weakly.

"What's wrong?" Catra asked. "PMSing? Huh, I'd have guessed you hit menopause, like, twenty _years_ ago-"

"It's not menstrual cramps!"

"Yeah, I figured. No _way_ are there any eggs left in your dried up ol' tubes. So what's up? Constipated?"

"Enough!" Shadow Weaver roughly shoved her aside and stormed off, still groaning.

"It might help if you take some Pepto and try to take a shit!" Catra called after her. "Introduce more fiber into your diet! PRUNES!"

-With Adora-

Adora, Glimmer and Bow had traveled through the woods for a while, making their way to the Kingdom of Plumeria. Finally they arrived, coming upon the camp where the citizens had taken shelter in tents and there was a haze of weed smoke in the air.

"Okay, we're here." Glimmer paused, looking around. "Wait a second. Where's Adora?"

"Well, I don't know where _she_ is," Bow answered slowly, "but I do know where _She-blah_ is!" Glimmer turned around to see him riding on her shoulders. "Check it out! I can totally reach the cookies on top of the fridge now-"

"What are you guys doing?" Glimmer interrupted. "Why are you still She-blah?"

"Hey, come on. I _like_ being She-blah! Watch this." She-blah put Bow down and started bench-pressing the wagon of relief supplies with loud grunts.

"One, two, three!" Bow started counting along excitedly. "I'll spot you!"

"We don't have time for this. Let's go!" Glimmer forced them to move on and they walked into the camp. A young woman with long blonde hair adorned with flowers and wearing a robed dress looked up as they approached.

"Welcome to Plumeria!" she cried happily, and with a wave of her hand smacked Glimmer in the face with a bouquet and gave Bow a flower crown. He squealed with delight and quickly took a selfie. The Princess glanced past them and caught sight of She-blah, gasping aloud at her flowing hair and bulging biceps. "I am SO gay."

"What?" She-blah asked.

"I'm so glad I am gay."

"What?"

"I'm so glad you're here."

"Oh alright then." She-blah noticed the citizens gathering round and cleared her throat nervously. "Um, hello, everyone! We heard about the blockade and we've come to help!"

"I brought toilet paper," Bow said, holding up a pack of two-ply. "Unless you guys use, like, leaves or something, that's cool too, I won't judge."

"Welcome them properly, everyone!" Princess Perfuma cried. The people cheered and all crowded in to hug She-blah, who froze in confusion.

"Glimmer what's happening right now they're attacking me with their bodies I'm in some kind of gentle hold-"

"It's called a hug," Glimmer said.

"A hug? I've never heard of this kind of martial arts move! Quick, how do I counter it?"

"It's not a martial arts move. It's how people show affection," Bow explained.

"Affection? Is that some kind of sickness?"

"I really need to get you a dictionary," Glimmer sighed to herself.

The Princess grabbed She-blah's hand and began dragging her around, showing off the Kingdom.

"Our people have lived here in peace for thousands of years," she explained. "We are one with the trees and plants. This is the Heart Blossom, the source of all my magical powers." She gestured to a huge pink tree with a large gem at the base. "Those awful Horde soldiers are using pesticides and chemicals and now all the plants are dying. Don't they know we're _organic_? Kale smoothie, anyone?" She held up a cup. Bow started to raise his hand but Glimmer pushed it back down.

"Uh, we're fine, thanks. Right, She-blah?" She turned to find her already chugging a smoothie. "Dammit, we've lost her, Bow-" She turned again to find Bow chugging one, too. "GODAMMIT YOU GUYS-"

-At the Horde Fortress-

Back at the Horde Fortress, Shadow Weaver staggered into her chambers and touched a large, dark crystal in the middle of the room. It crackled with evil energy, shoving her away.

"Hey! Don't you give me sass!" she growled, wrestling the power into submission. The light on her forehead began to glow as she recharged. She pulled out a magazine and settled down to wait.

"Shadow Weaver!" She jumped as Hordak suddenly appeared on a wall-mounted computer screen, sitting on his throne with his weird imp baby on his lap. "Why have you assigned more troops to look for that missing soldier? I told you to give up on her!" He paused. "Also, you know I hate arguing in front of the little one." He covered the imp's ears before continuing. "Anyway, this has gone on long enough. Destroy Plumeria or I'll take your magical powers away." He hung up the Skype call and Shadow Weaver immediately screamed in rage and started throwing things. There was a sound as he called back. "One last thing."

"Yes, my Lord?" Shadow Weaver asked sweetly, a chair poised over her head.

"I'm all out of milk. Can you go get me some? I can't find a sitter."

"Of course, my Lord." Hordak hung up again, and Shadow Weaver commenced the screaming and throwing.

-With She-blah-

She-blah sat at the base of the Heart Blossom, the villagers gathered around her. They approached one by one, placing dishes of food, flowers, and other gifts at her feet. She-blah stared down at a baby in the pile.

"Am…am I supposed to eat-"

"Oh my God take your fucking kid back," Glimmer muttered, shoving the baby back into the parent's arms. "No, wait, on second thought, give it here, I'm taking it to Child Protective Services-"

"I'm SO glad that you're here to help us," Princess Perfuma said excitedly, sitting in She-blah's lap. "And in the hour of our greatest need too, just like in the stories!"

"Hey, you guys ever hear about the time She-blah used Horde soldiers to brush and floss her teeth?" Bow asked the crowd, which listened raptly. "Don't even get me _started_ on when she went to use the bathroom and was out of toilet paper-"

"Bow, enough!" She-blah hissed, flushing with embarrassment. A sudden explosion from nearby shook the ground, and a trail of smoke rose from behind the trees. "Oh thank God- I mean…how horrible!" She quickly stood up, dumping Perfuma out of her lap. "I'd better go check and see what that was."

"Oh, there's no need!" Perfuma waved away her concern. "I'm sure it's nothing. We here in Plumeria try to focus on the positive side of things!"

"Princess Perfuma!" A messenger ran up and saluted. "Ten more people have died from their injuries."

"…That means more food and water for everyone else!" Perfuma cheered. "Yaaay, dead people!"

"Okay, I think you're taking that positive thing a little too far-" Glimmer began.

"So, when are you going to heal our land and re-grow all of our plants?" She-blah stared down at the Princess, who smiled up at her.

"…I have to what now."

"Heal our land. You know, like in the stories?"

"The stories. Right." She-blah stood there for a moment. "Anyone have a spare copy right now so I can double-check, maybe do some research? Brush up on my technique? I might be a little rusty." Another explosion shook the ground. "Okay, seriously, they are UP to something over there. We really should go check that out!"

"_We_?" Princess Perfuma stared at her in disbelief. "I really don't think they're doing anything dangerous over there-"

"But you can hear the explosions. You can see the smoke."

"They're probably just…having a bonfire!"

"You can hear people screaming for help."

"They're probably having a great time-"

"Oh God!" a voice wafted in on the wind. "Help me! _Heeeelp_!" She-blah looked back at the Princess, who slumped in defeat.

"Look, this is my power." She held up her hand and a small flower blossomed to life. "I grow plants, alright? What am I going to do? Attack them with allergens? I can make some nettles if I try really hard." She sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, but we're just not strong enough to fight the Horde. All we want to do is live in peace. That's why we need YOU, She-blah."

"She-blah! She-blah! She-blah!" the citizens began to chant. She-blah laughed nervously.

"Yes. Of course. I _know_ what I'm doing!"

-A Few Moments Later-

"You guys I have no _fucking_ idea what I'm doing!" She-blah was pacing furiously in the woods while Glimmer and Bow watched her have a mental breakdown. "I can't use healing powers! I punch shit! Plus I only recently learned how to walk without my _hair_ getting in my way!"

"Remember, shoulders _back_," Bow reminded her. "Also, it senses fear."

"Don't worry, it's going to be fine! Here, you just need some practice." Glimmer kicked Bow in the shin.

"Ow!"

"Okay now heal him."

"I'm _telling_!"

"We're miles away from home. Who are you going to tell?"

"Ha!" Bow pulled out his phone. "I'm texting your mom right-" Glimmer snatched his phone away and tossed it into the woods. He glared at her, then pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. "Dear Queen Angella…your daughter is-"

"Maybe you should just try concentrating really hard," Glimmer said, ignoring him. "That seems to work when you need to transform."

"Okay, I'll try." She-blah nodded in agreement, then closed her eyes. She focused intensely, began to glow, and threw a hand out towards a withered tree-

A pair of rainbow wings and a horn popped up on the tree's front.

"…Oh my God shoot me with that." Bow stated, throwing his hands up.

"Shit! Hold on, just…let me try again!" She-blah closed her eyes, concentrating again.

"Did anyone order a pizza?" A delivery man on a bike rode up, braking next to them.

"Dammit, that's not what I wanted either!" She-blah picked up the man, pizza and all, and threw them away.

"…You could've at least kept the pizza," Bow muttered to himself.

"Okay! One more time!" She-blah closed her eyes for the third time, concentrating even harder. She trembled with exertion, putting everything she had into-

*_Poot_!*

"…Do you at least feel a little bit better now?" Bow asked gently. She screamed and started tearing apart the tree with her bare hands. "…I'm guessing that's a no."

"_Aaaargh_! What's _wrong_ with me?! Why can't I do this?!" She-blah stomped in frustration. "These people expect me to save their land! I can't let them down!"

Yet another nearby explosion shook the ground, the trees shivering and losing leaves. Bow's flower crown withered away.

"My flower crown!" he gasped in horror, then slowly raised his bow. "You will be _avenged_."

"She-blah! Something terrible has happened!" Princess Perfuma came running up, panting.

"Yeah, we know. My flower crown is gone."

"The Heart Blossom is _dying_!"

The girls gasped.

"…Okay, but more importantly, my flower crown-"

"BOW. ENOUGH."

"I REALLY LIKED MY FLOWER CROWN OKAY IT MADE MY EYES POP."

-At the Heart Blossom-

Everyone stood at the Heart Blossom, the leaves of which were falling to the ground as sinister-looking vines wrapped around the trunk, choking it to death.

"Please, She-blah! Heal our land!" Princess Perfuma begged.

She-blah took a deep breath and slowly approached the dying tree. She glanced over at her friends, who smile encouragingly and gave her a thumbs-up. She raised a fist. They frantically shook their heads. She gently reached out a hand instead. They nodded. She-blah placed her hand on the tree and closed her eyes, concentrating.

"Come on…do something…do _something_!" She hissed under her breath, beginning to glow. Power surged as the pressure rose within her, bursting out to-

*_Poot_!*

"Um…excuse you?" Perfuma said awkwardly, waving a hand in the air. "Is that…is that part of the healing?"

"Oh, come ON!" She-blah transformed back into Adora and everyone gasped in shock. "Yeah, okay! You got me!" She threw her hands up. "I don't know how to heal anything. My name is Adora. I was chosen to be She-blah, but they never really gave me an instruction manual or anything like that so I don't know what I'm doing." She gestured, and a dog in the crowd started shooting rainbow laser-beams out of its eyes. "See? That's what I'm talking about. That shit right there."

"What's going on? Who are you?! Where's She-blah?!" The villagers began to shout in confusion.

"No, no! She's She-blah!" Bow rushed forward and yanked her hair out of her pony-tail, then started trying to make it wave around. "See? She- oh damn this is dry as hell, girl you need to _condition_\- does anyone have a fan? No? How about a hair drier? Anything?"

"Bow, get off!" Adora pushed him away. "Listen, I know the Horde. I bet they're using one of their machines to poison your land. If you want to save your home, we _have_ to stop them. We all need to work together to fight them! WHO'S WITH ME?!" She cheered, fist upraised. Everyone just stared.

"…Yeah, um, I have a doctor's appointment-"

"I can't make it, I have something real important to go to-"

"I'm not wearing the right shoes-"

"What the hell! You guys are just _lazy_! Glimmer cried in outrage, cutting off the excuses. "You want She-blah to fix everything for you! What, do you expect her to bring you gifts for Christmas too?!" The citizens all stared at her in shock.

"…You mean Santa-blah isn't real?" a little boy whispered, then burst into tears.

"Oh shit wait I didn't mean it-"

"I'm sorry, I can't…I can't do this!" Princess Perfuma shook her head and backed away from Adora. "You're not who I thought you were. This relationship is over! Let's go, everyone!" She and the citizens of Plumeria turned away and left.

"…Did I just get dumped?" Adora asked after a long pause.

"I think you got dumped by her, AND the entire Kingdom of Plumeria," Glimmer answered, patting her shoulder. "Wanna go get some ice-cream?"

"I'm sorry I told everyone you were super special awesome!" Bow burst out. Adora smiled at him.

"It's alright, Bow. I-"

"And that your tears cure cancer and your hair with made out of spun gold-"

"Okay stop talking you're making me feel worse."

"Listen, Adora," Glimmer said gently, "we don't like you because you're She-blah, we like you because you're our fr-"

*_Boooom_!*

"All right that's it _no-one_ fucking friend-blocks me!" Adora bristled in outrage. "Let's go fuck them up!" She grabbed her friends' hands and dragged them off towards the distant explosion.

-A Few Moments Later-

Adora, Glimmer, and Bow cautiously approached the Horde settlement, the trio wearing stolen Horde uniforms. Bow groaned in discomfort.

"You guys, my mid-riff is _smothering_ to death. It needs to _breathe_!"

"Oh, just deal with it, Bow!" Glimmer snapped at him. "You'll be back in your crop top soon enough."

"We need to find the machine that's killing all the plants," Adora told them. "Every Horde camp is laid out the same, and guard duty is always in half-hour shifts-"

"Do you guys get dental benefits?"

"Bow!"

"Sorry."

The Horde soldiers on duty moved to switch, and they slipped into the camp unnoticed. Sneaking around the base, they approached a building and peeked through the door. Inside was a sinister machine with dozens of wires and cords, bubbling green fluid and hot steam. They gasped in horror.

"No guys, that's just the coffee machine," Adora said.

"…You guys _drink_ that stuff?"

After refusing to let Bow try the coffee and dragging him away, the trio quickly located the building with the _actual_ machine poisoning the land. They crowded inside, staring at the monstrosity in stunned silence.

"You were right," Glimmer said. "The Horde IS the cause of this. Hurry, let's take care of-"

"_Hey_!" A guard stood in the doorway, glaring. They froze. "What are you guys doing in here?"

"…What are YOU?" Adora shot back after a long pause.

"…I forgot," the guard admitted, then shrugged and left.

"Phew…"

"I REMEMBER NOW!" The guard kicked the door back open and leapt at them.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!"

-Back With Perfuma-

Back at the Heart Blossom, a villager handed Princess Perfuma a note.

"Those people from Bright Moon are gone. They left this for you." He paused. "And the tab for their meal." Perfuma took the note and began to read it aloud.

"_We've gone to the Horde camp to find the weapon killing your trees because you guys won't cuz you're little bitches- I'm sorry, that was Glimmer, she got the pen away from me for a second. Anyway. I'm sorry I couldn't be the hero you wanted, and I wish you all the best. Adora_." She burst into tears, clutching the note to her chest. "What a beautiful love letter!" She wiped her tears away and straightened with determination. "She's right! We need to fight for our home. Everyone!" Perfuma turned to the villagers, rallying them. "Come on! We're going to go and fight the Horde!" The citizens all groaned in protest. "Do it or I'll confiscate all your weed! You guys will NOT ruin this chance for me!" The citizens all cheered and ran off. "That's the wrong direction, you fucking potheads!"

-Meanwhile-

Adora, Glimmer and Bow were running for their lives through the Horde encampment, screaming while everyone fired lasers at them.

"Oh my God we're gonna die!" Bow shrieked.

"It's fine, just think of it as…extreme laser tag!" Glimmer shouted at him. A laser beam shot out and hit Bow's shirt, dissolving the bottom half.

"AAAAAA- thank you!- AAAAAA!"

They ducked behind a wall and paused for a breather.

"How many soldiers can you take?" Adora asked, panting.

"Like, to dinner?" Bow pulled out his wallet. "I mean, if we're just getting tacos or something, I can do like four, but if I need to take them to a fancy restaurant maybe _one_-"

"That is NOT what I meant!" Adora cut off as Horde soldiers surrounded them, weapons drawn.

"Okay, everyone, calm down!" Bow shouted at them. "I can only take one of you guys out to a fancy restaurant so how about you all fight amongst yourselves to find out who's going to be the lucky person-"

A war horn sounded and vines suddenly smashed through the encampment wall. Princess Perfuma burst into the camp on a wave of plants, her citizens rushing in after her, high as fuck.

"…Okay nevermind I'm taking _her_ to dinner."

"I can't believe it!" Adora gasped in surprise. "They came! I'm so glad-"

"I will water my plants with your blood and use your entrails as fertilizer!" Perfuma shrieked as she impaled a soldier with a vine.

"…that we're allies!" Adora finished. "I mean, holy shit. She's pretty scary." Lifting her sword, she quickly transformed into She-blah, then fought her way through the battle to the sinister machine from before. She stabbed the machine and a wave of healing energy rolled over the landscape, restoring all the dying plants and the withered Heart Blossom. Horde soldiers screamed in horror as flower crowns popped up on their heads. Bow stormed over and ripped them off, throwing them to the ground.

"Okay NO you guys don't get one if mine got destroyed screw you guys you don't deserve them-"

"Alright! I figured out how to heal!" She-blah cried excitedly. "You just have to let me stab you! C'mere, Bow, lemme try it out-"

"Um, PASS."

The last of the Horde soldiers fled the outpost as the citizens of Plumeria tore the buildings apart looking for munchies. Princess Perfuma laughed with delight and ran up to She-blah.

"Thank you so much! You inspired us to save ourselves!" She threw herself in her arms and went for a sloppy open-mouth kiss.

"Whoa!" She-blah cried, pushing her off. "What're you doing? Why are you attacking me with your mouth?"

"What? Oh. Sorry, that's just a…normal Princess greeting. We totally do it all the time." She paused awkwardly, then leaned over and kissed Glimmer. She blinked.

"What the fuck why don't I get tongue?"

"Get a big blonde wig and some stilts and then we'll talk," Perfuma snapped at her. "Anyway! How can we ever repay you?"

"Two words," Bow said firmly, pointing at his head. "Flower. CROWN."

"…I think I want another kiss," Glimmer said after a moment.

"You don't get another," Perfuma sniffed.

"Alright fine then I want some cash."

"Join the Rebellion and help us reform the Princess alliance," She-blah blurted out. Everyone gasped in surprise.

"The Princess Alliance? But…didn't that go horribly the first time?" Princess Perfuma looked torn. "…What would it entail?"

"Well, for starters, you'd be stuck for hours in long, boring meetings with me, train with me, be around me at all times-"

"I'LL DO IT."

-At the Horde Fortress-

Back at the Horde Fortress, Catra reluctantly entered Shadow Weaver's chambers.

"Hey, I'm here. Can we hurry this up? I got things to do, people to beat up." She paused. "Mostly Kyle."

"This was brought to me by retreating Horde soldiers," Shadow Weaver cut in, pointing at the wall screen. "Their camp was attacked by She-blah." A recording began to play, showing different images of the battle.

"…Well we don't know for _sure_ that's Ador-" Music began to play as Adora did her magical girl transformation on screen. "…Okay but it could just be-"

"Yeah, you get 'em, Adora!" Bow and Glimmer cheered from off screen. She-blah waved at them, then turned around and snapped a guy's neck.

"Okay yeah it's her."

"Did you think you could _keep_ this from me?" Shadow Weaver hissed in fury.

"It's just a phase!" Catra said, shrugging unconcernedly. "She's…confused. She'll get over it eventually and come back to the Horde. It's like that time she got really into _scrunchies_-"

"Until I tell you otherwise, your mission is to get her BACK." Shadow Weaver walked over to her cauldron. "And, to ensure success…no matter where she goes, my shadow spies will find her!" She lifted her arms dramatically, and dozens of creepy black shadows with red eyes burst from the glowing cauldron and disappeared.

"…Even in the bathroom?" Catra asked after a moment.

"Of course not. I respect her privacy." Shadow Weaver paused. "Although it would be helpful to make sure she's staying hydrated and has enough fiber in her diet-"

"Anyway," Catra went on, rolling her eyes, "this isn't a big deal. She'll be back. Right now, I'm sure she's having a _horrible_ time with those _loser_ rebels."

-At Bright Moon-

"Slumber partyyy!" Glimmer and Bow sang, dancing around with Adora in her room back at Bright Moon. There was a ring of sleeping bags on the floor, a big pile of snacks and a movie playing in the background.

"Aw, thanks guys! This is so much fun!" Adora smiled at them. "I never want to leave-"

"Pillow fight!" Bow smacked her in the face with a pillow.

"I take that back."

"So," Glimmer cut in, "the good news is I'm only grounded for _one_ week instead of the normal two, AND mom agreed to let me recruit new Princesses into the Rebellion! Also, most importantly…" She pointed to the TV, where the movie's R-rating was being displayed.

"You guys have to tell me when all the scary parts are so I can close my eyes," Bow said nervously. "After all, we're the Best Friend Squad!"

"I prefer the Glimmer Group," Glimmer corrected.

"I was gonna suggest The Adorables-" Adora began.

"Hmm. That leaves us with only ONE option." Bow's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Whoever wins the pillow fight gets to choose the name!" They all snatched up pillows and started battling. Adora laughed happily as she joined in, swinging her pillow up at-

*_Crash_!*

"Oh my God Bow I am SO sorry I didn't mean to hit you that hard dear God his nose is bleeding SO much I don't know my own strength we can be the Best Friend Squad just stop crying please-"

-Episode 4 End-


	5. Episode 5: The Pee Gate

She-Blah

Episode 5

The Pee Gate

The various members of the Rebellion were gathered together in the meeting room of Bright Moon, sitting around a circular table in the midst of a very heated discussion.

"Council, I have gathered you here today to decide something of the utmost importance…" Queen Angella said, leaning forward intently. "…What are we getting on this pizza? I vote olives." She raised the phone expectantly.

"I object, olives are disgusting and I will not have them fraternizing with my toppings," Glimmer argued, banging a fist on the table.

"Overruled."

"You can't fucking do that! I thought this was a pizza democracy!"

"Potty-mouths don't get cheesy bread," her mother warned.

"I mean…cheezus crust, mom, that's pepperoni!"

Beside her, Bow gasped and covered his ears in shock.

"Uh, shouldn't we be planning our next move against the Horde or something?" Adora asked in confusion.

"Adora, this is _obviously_ much more important," the Queen said patiently. "We will get to that later. Now, who votes for stuffed crust? Aye or nay?" She raised her hand and looked around at the others.

"_What_?" Netossa and Spinerella called from another table entirely.

"What the- how did they get _over_ there?!"

"Mom!" Glimmer cried suddenly, standing up. "I vote that you let me and the others keep recruiting Princesses to our squad! We should sign up Princess Mermista of Salineas next. She's in charge of the Sea Gate, and with her help we could control the seas!" But the Queen was already shaking her head.

"Absolutely not, Glimmer, it's FAR too dangerous-"

"Also we could get anchovies for the pizza."

"…but no reward is without risk," Angella finished decisively. "Very well, you may go."

"Yessss!" Glimmer cried, throwing her arms up in triumph.

"I am going to wear the _sluttiest_ swimsuit," Bow stated proudly.

"But you must wear a lifejacket at all times," the Queen went on, whipping a puffy orange vest onto Glimmer and clicking the straps tight. "Also you must have an experienced Sea Captain chaperone you with a boat that has all current safety regulations up to code-"

"_Moooom_!"

"…She-blah demands floaties," Adora stated quietly, sticking her arms out.

"_Adora_!"

"Alright, moving on to more important matters," Queen Angella said, clapping her hands.

"Oh thank God," Glimmer muttered.

"Our drink orders-"

"CAN WE _GO_?"

-Later That Day-

Adora, Glimmer and Bow had arrived at Seaworthy, a two-level seaside bar filled with drunk sailors and fishmen brawling and spawning everywhere. Glimmer, still wearing the lifejacket, stepped up to a stranger in the middle of a knife fight and politely tapped his shoulder.

"Scuze me, can I borrow that for a second? Thanks." She took the dagger out of his hand and stabbed her lifejacket, which noisily deflated. "Much better. Here you go." She handed it back and he returned to stabbing his victim. "Okay, moving on-"

"Ohmigosh this is SO cool!" Bow squealed, hopping up and down excitedly. "Seaworthy is _just_ like how I imagined. Look at all the pirates everywhere! I think those are _teeth_ on the floor! I'm gonna go punch someone-"

"No you are not! Come back here!" Glimmer grabbed him by the belt and yanked him back.

"But that's how they say 'hello' here!"

"I like the sound of that!" Adora turned and punched someone flat on their back. "…Hey how are ya."

"Quit it, both of you!" Glimmer groaned in frustration. "The bouncer is going to throw us out!"

"It's cool, I'll punch him too."

"_Enough_! We're just here to find a Sea Captain."

"Oh please," Adora snorted. "No one here is dumb enough to take on such a dangerous mission-"

"Did I hear someone say…_dumb_?" A hand shot up out of the crowd. "Well, look no further!" The three of them turned to see a man lounging at a side table, wearing Halloween-grade pirate get-up, complete with swashbuckling boots, vest, and an impressive mustache. "I am the one and only…_Seahawk_." He leapt onto the table and flapped his arms majestically. "Caw caw!"

"...You sound more like a seaGULL," Glimmer stated after a moment. Bow whipped some peanuts at him.

"Hey!" Seahawk glared, then slowly bent over and scooped up some nuts. "So, are we doing this or what?" he asked, his mouth full.

Exchanging glances, the Best Friend Squad nodded and sat down at his table.

"We're interviewing for the position of Sea Captain. The job entails you sail us to Salineas," Glimmer began professionally. "What are your qualifications?"

"Well," Seahawk began, his eyes smoldering as he leaned forward intently, "one time, a beautiful young mermaid fell SO in love with me she gave up her voice and turned into a human just to try and-"

"That's The Little Mermaid," Glimmer cut him off. Seahawk stared at her, blinking.

"…Okay, but _another_ time I sailed the seas on the Black Pearl and stole the heart of Davy Jones-"

"That's Pirates of the Caribbean."

"…How about when I met a clown fish and stopped at _nothing_ to reunite him with his poor lost son who'd been kidnapped to P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way-"

"That's Finding fucking _Nemo_! This guy's a _joke_!" Glimmer huffed, crossing her arms. "Bow, back me up here!"

"Sorry, I haven't been listening," Bow admitted guiltily. "I'm hypnotized by the glistening hairs of his silky mustache. I think I can see my own reflection in it." He paused. "And I am _adorable_."

"Thank you." Seahawk winked and gave his mustache a stroke, his fingers coming away shiny and wet. "It's 100% real."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's real." Glimmer leaned over to whisper loudly in Adora's ear. "Real _expensive_."

"Alright whatever you're hired," Adora said impatiently, arms crossed.

"Hold on, now!" Seahawk raised a hand as well as a perfectly on-fleek eyebrow. "What makes you think you can _afford_ me?"

The bartender, a large, rough-looking woman, suddenly appeared behind him.

"You're three months behind on your bar tab. Pay up or we're taking a leg."

"Didn't I pay that off with the table-top strip show I gave last night?" Seahawk argued hotly.

"No, you got smashed, took off all your clothes, and dumped a $300 bottle of champagne over your head." She paused. "I added that to your tab, too." She paused again, then looked down at his legs. "…Eeny, meeny, minee-"

"Okay, I was bluffing, alright?" Seahawk burst out desperately. "Please hire me, I need the money SO bad! Do you have ANY idea how expensive it is to keep my mustache looking this _glossy_?! I have to buff this bitch every night with premium wax imported from across the globe!"

"Ha!" Glimmer slapped the tabletop. "Told you!"

"Listen," Seahawk went on, "I travel to Salineas all the time to visit my close personal friend, Princess Mermista."

"What? You know the Princess?" Glimmer looked at him in surprise. "How the hell do you-"

"I'm her booty call."

"…She has got some low standards."

"Okay, buddy. Here's the deal," Adora said with finality. "We're going to arm wrestle. If you win, we pay you to take us. If _I_ win, you take us to Salineas for free…and you give Bow your boots."

"You're like a niiine, nine and half, right?" Bow asked.

"That's a terrible deal!" Seahawk scoffed. "Why would I ever agree to that? What do you take me for, a fool?" Adora stared at him blankly.

"…Pretty much yeah."

"Well you're _correct_! Let's go." Seahawk thunked an arm on the table and smirked haughtily. "Though I should warn you thaaa_AAAAAAAAHHHHHH-"_

"Careful now, Adora," Glimmer said, patting her back. "He's going to need that arm to sail us to Salineas."

"Oh sorry my bad." Adora released his arm, which danged limply. "Lemme know if you need me to pop it back in place for you."

"Alright, you win!" Seahawk said, cradling his arm in defeat. "I'll take you at no cost. Now, forward to ADVENTUUUUURE but first let's go see the doctor real quick I think you broke something-"

"No no, here, I got it."

*_Pop_!*

"_GAAAAGGH_!"

Hidden in a back corner of the bar, one of Shadow Weaver's creepy shadow things sat at a table, watching the group while nursing a drink.

"Hey buddy," the bartender asked, "you gonna pay for that?" The shadow sat there for a moment, then quickly dissolved away. "Son of a bitch. We've got a runner!"

-Meanwhile-

Back in her evil lair, Shadow Weaver was bent over her cauldron, spying through the shadow minion's eyes and also making a tasty clam chowder for supper.

"Adora is in Seaworthy," she said aloud. "She'll be lucky if she doesn't catch something in that dive. I am giving you one last chance to get her back." She glared over her shoulder at Catra, who stood there, looking bored.

"Didn't Hordak just tell you to stop going after her?" she pointed out.

"And who is going to _tell_ him?" Shadow Weaver shot back nastily. "_You_?"

"Of course not." Catra stared at her blankly, then slowly reached over and picked up the phone. "Ohmigod, Hordak, you will NOT believe what Shadow Weaver is doing right now-"

"No one likes a tattletale!" Shadow Weaver slapped the phone out of her hand.

"Ugh, fine, I'm going!" Catra turned to leave with a swish of her tail.

"Wait," Shadow Weaver said sharply. "You're not going alone." Catra froze in place.

"…I swear to God if you are sending me with Kyle I will piss on _all_ your good bed-sheets-"

"I am not sending you on a mission without _adult supervision_. You will be accompanied by Force Captain Scorpia." Shadow Weaver pointed behind her.

Gasping, Catra whirled around to find a tall woman clad in red armor looming over her, a scorpion tail and claws upraised menacingly. She whimpered and flinched back in fear.

"Oh God please don't-"

"_Kitty_!" Scorpia squealed with delight, scooping her up in her huge claws and petting her head.

"OH MY GOD THIS IS WORSE THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE-" Catra hissed, struggling. "Put me DOWN! What are you, a three-year-old?"

"Ooh, your fur is so soft and silky and you smell so good *_SNNNNFFFFFF_*-"

"Okay you just _crossed_ the line. Hands off!" Catra scrambled out of Scorpia's clutches and snarled at her, fur bristling. "I will go to HR if I have to-"

"She will make sure that you are kept in line," Shadow Weaver said.

"Whatever." Catra glared at her balefully. "You're at least giving us a vehicle, right?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I brought my own!" Scorpia said excitedly, wheeling out a pink bicycle with a basket on the front. She smiled at Catra and rang the bell.

*_Ching ching_!*

Catra stared at her blankly.

"…You get to ride in the basket," Scorpia clarified after a long moment of silence. Catra bared her teeth. "…Unless you don't want to, then, I guess, uh…I will." She hesitated, then carefully lowered herself into the basket. It held for a moment, then burst apart and sent her tumbling backwards, crushing the bicycle beneath her. "Oh darn not again!"

"I think I'm going to puke," Catra said aloud.

-Later-

"_Huuuuuuurggghhh_!" Catra leaned over the railing of a crummy old Horde vessel, yakking up her lunch of Meow Mix as the boat swayed across the ocean. Force Captain Scorpia stood beside her, cooing.

"Oh, gosh, you okay? What's wrong? Feeling seasick? Want me to rub your back for you? Don't worry, I'll do it anyway. Wow, you have got some _tension_ in there, lemme just work those knots out- oh sorry that was a titty-"

"I said hands off!" Catra slapped her claws away and glared furiously. "This is the worst. I can't believe I'm stuck on this deathtrap with _you_."

"Nonsense!" Scorpia argued. "This boat is perfectly safe. If anything happens, we can get on the lifeboat!" She pointed over to where a small dingy hung suspended. The rope immediately snapped and the boat disappeared over the edge with a splash. "…Or we could just use the inflatable raft!" She gestured to the raft, which suddenly sprung a leak and shot away, noisily deflating as it flew through the air. "…Don't worry, we still have life preservers!" She held up a pair of orange life-vests. Her huge claws punched through the plastic and they slowly deflated in her hands. "…Okay yeah we're kinda screwed."

Catra's right eye began to twitch.

"…Would it help if I cradled you in my arms and sang you a lullaby?"

"NO."

"Don't worry, I'll do it anyway-"

"Get the fuck away of me!" Catra hissed, clawing her away. "GOD, how can this get ANY worse?!" She spun around to find Lonnie, Kyle, and the lizard guy standing there, staring.

"…So is this your new girlfriend or something?" Lonnie asked after a moment. "I thought you were the butch one."

"…You guys are walking the fucking plank."

-With the Others-

"Welcome aboard the Dragon's Daughter Three…_Hundred_!" Seahawk cried aloud, his arm in a sling. Adora, Glimmer, and Bow stood aboard his elegant sailboat, gliding across the clear ocean waves towards Salineas.

"…What happened to the other two-hundred-ninety-nine daughters?" Adora asked after a beat.

"They were all tragically set on fire…" Seahawk began, bowing his head in grief.

"What? Fire? What kind of _sick_ person would-"

"…by ME! _Adventuuuure_!"

"You must have great insurance," Bow stated.

"Whoa, whoa, okay, hold on, red flag!" Glimmer threw her hands up in alarm. "What is stopping him from setting _this_ one on fire?"

"Don't be silly!" Seahawk said. "I would never do that!"

"Then why is there a lit match in your hand?"

"…I was lighting a cigarette." Seahawk stared at her, then slowly lit up a cigarette and took a deep breath. Immediately he doubled over, coughing and hacking his lungs out. "Ohhh yeah- KOFF KOFF- _smooooooth_\- HAAKKK-"

"Mom was right, we should have brought a fire extinguisher," Glimmer muttered to herself.

"Calm down," Adora said, patting her shoulder. "He just has to get us to Salineas and then we can ditch his ass."

"Fine. But I am leaving him a _horrible_ review on Uber." Glimmer held up her phone and started typing away.

"Now, what with my…unfortunate injury, I expect you three to pull your own weight and help me with the boat," Seahawk said, adjusting his sling. "The first thing to do is-" He turned around to find everyone working efficiently at the ropes and sails. "Hey! How do you know how to do all that?"

"I took Boy Scouts when I was ten," Adora explained, "because fuck the patriarchy."

"I Googled it," Glimmer stated, holding up her phone.

"I played Windwaker," Bow said.

"Wow, you guys are good at this," Seahawk said, impressed. "What do you even need _me_ for?"

"Oh, we don't, really," Glimmer admitted. "We just needed your boat." There was a pause. "…Let's kick him off."

"_Mutiny_!" Seahawk gasped.

"Don't tempt me," she growled, eyes narrowed. "Let's just focus on the mission, okay?" She teleported up to the crow's nest, squinting as she studied the horizon and consulted her sea chart. "Hey, we're way off course! Where the hell _are_ we? You guys-" She looked down to see Adora and Seahawk arm-wrestling again, Bow cheering from the sidelines.

"You go, girl! Get me another pair of shoes!"

"Hey, stop it!" Glimmer teleported down, breaking the pair up. "Are you trying to break his other arm, too?!"

"…I thought you would appreciate it," Adora said.

"Well, yes, yes I would. That's very thoughtful of you. Anyway, quit screwing around. I checked the map and we're way off course. We need to-"

*CRASH!*

The boat suddenly shook as a huge sea monster swam by, battering the side of the ship.

"Yes, the Serpent of the Sea!" Seahawk cried excitedly. "We've found it!"

"Wait, WHAT?! You made us come here on _purpose_?!" Glimmer gaped at him. "Why the fuck would you want to _fight_ this thing?" Her expression softened. "Did…did it steal something precious of yours? Or…kill your family-"

"It owes me _money_."

Everyone stared at him in disbelief.

"…How much money we talking?"

"_Bow_!"

"Come on, crew! We're in for a harrowing adventuuure!" Seahawk cheered. The huge sea serpent reared up out of the water and screeched at them hungrily.

"You can have him!" Glimmer called to it. "I'm pushing him in now!"

"Oh my God, finally!" Adora groaned, standing up. "I haven't punched anything in, like, an hour. I'm getting withdrawal. For the honor of Grayskull!" She quickly transformed into She-blah, then ran towards the edge of the boat with a rousing battle cry. "YAAAAAAAA- oh wait I forgot my floaties hold on." She halted in place, pulled her floaties over her bulging biceps, then commenced screaming and leaped into the water, smashing the serpent down under the waves.

"I can't believe you led us here on purpose! We've wasted so much time!" Glimmer glared at Seahawk in fury. "…I'm letting her break your other arm when she gets back."

"I got it!" She-blah popped up out of the water and waved, the sea serpent's severed head bobbing beside her.

"Okay, good! Let's GO now!" Glimmer shouted impatiently.

"Did you get the wallet?" Seahawk called out.

"Oh, no, just a sec."

"_AAAARGGHHH_!"

-With Catra-

Back on the Horde boat, the rusted-out vessel had suddenly stopped and sat in the water, unmoving.

"Hey, what's going on? Why did we stop?" Catra demanded angrily. "Kyle, what did you do?"

"I haven't done anything!" Kyle protested. "The Sea Gate is stopping us!" He pointed up a towering arch made of stone mermaids, a shimmering barrier blocking their way like a silvery curtain.

"Yeah, probably because of something that YOU did."

"What the HELL-"

"No no, she has a point," Lonnie said. The lizard guy grunted in agreement. Kyle threw his hands up in defeat.

"Let's see…" Catra snatched up a spyglass and studied the Sea Gate for a long moment. "Son of a bitch." She turned and glared at the others. "Anyone bring quarters? I'm looking at you, Kyle."

"You _already_ stole all my lunch money-"

"No, sillybuns! The Gate doesn't work like that!" Scorpia interrupted, laughing. "I'm sure you learned all about it at the Force Captain orientation!" Catra stared at her blankly.

"…There's a Force Captain orientation?"

"Oh yeah, sure!" Scorpia went on excitedly. "There's drinks and snacks and a cool PowerPoint presentation and you get a little gift bag at the end with your badge and some stickers-"

"What the _FUCK_!"

"Ooh, impressive 'Captain Yell'! That was one of the PowerPoint slides, you gotta use the _diaphragm_-"

-With Adora-

The group had finally arrived at Salineas, docking the boat on the inner side of the Sea Gate and disembarking. Bow tottered down the ramp on a pair of stripper heels.

"Thanks, Adora!" he called over his shoulder.

"Aww, and those were my favorite pair!" Seahawk whined as he followed after the girls, both arms in slings.

"Halt, I say!" a voice suddenly cried out. Everyone looked up in surprise to see a guard calling to them from a far away tower. "What is your business here?!"

"We're here to-" Glimmer started.

"WHAT?"

"…WE'RE HERE TO-"

"WHAT?!"

"We should have brought the megaphone," Bow said sadly.

"Wait right there!" The guard disappeared down some stairs, then began working his way through a maze of streets, stairs, and walkways over to them. They waited. "Don't you move!" They waited some more. "I'll be there in a second!" After several long minutes, the guard finally staggered up to them, doubled over and struggling to catch his breath. "What…what is…_gah_…"

"God, man, work on your cardio," Adora snorted.

"What is your business here?" The young guard, who had long hair and aqua-themed armor, straightened and glared at them.

"We are here on an _extremely_ important diplomatic mission-" Glimmer began.

"Baby wants to smash." Seahawk held up his cell-phone with a 'you up?' text on the screen.

-In the Throne Room-

"The fuck are _you_ doing here?" Princess Mermista, a young woman with a blue braid and teal outfit with fish-scales, poked her trident at Seahawk's arm. He screamed. Adora, Glimmer and Bow stood before her in a sea-themed throne room while she lounged on a throne shaped like a combination conch shell/coral reef.

"…But I thought you were horny!" Seahawk cried in dismay.

"Yeah, well, I got over it. Now get out." She frowned at the others. "And who the hell are you three?"

"My name is Glimmer of Bright Moon," Glimmer said, stepping forward. "We've never met, but our parents fought together in the Rebellion-"

"Yeah, over _pizza_." Mermista rolled her eyes. "Speaking of which…" She snapped her fingers. "Butler! Bring us a medium pizza."

"Right away, your majesty," the guard said, bowing.

"Uh…your guard is _also_ your butler?" Bow asked, confused.

"We're short-staffed right now," Mermista explained with a shrug. "He's also my chef and personal trainer."

"Drop down and give me twenty!" the guard shouted, rolling out the dough.

"Ugh, FIIIINE." Mermista sighed and started doing push-ups.

"Ooh, baby, you look so sexy getting all fit and sweaty!" Seahawk cooed.

"I said I wasn't horny. Now shut up, you're killing my burn!"

"So…where did everyone go?" Glimmer asked.

"They all fled because the Sea Gate is falling apart or whatever," Princess Mermista answered between grunts.

"Wait, what?" Glimmer gasped in alarm. "Isn't that kind of…_important_?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess." Mermista stood up and accepted a bottle of Gatorade and a towel from the guard. "Specially cuz the Horde keeps attacking us and it's, like, _super rude_ and I'm so over it and the Gate gets weaker every day and if they attack us again we're pretty much boned." Seahawk slowly rose up into view behind her, beaming excitedly. "Not _that_ kind of boned. Fuck off." He stuck out his lower lip in a pout and sank back down.

"Listen, we're here because we want to rebuild the Princess Alliance," Glimmer began, stepping forward. "We don't stand a chance alone, but maybe together we can _will you put down your fucking phone_?!"

"Huh, what?" Mermista glanced up from her phone, tapping away. "Go ahead, I'm listening."

*_Tik tik tik_*

"No you're not!"

"It's cool, I can multitask." *_Ding_!* "Oh wait hold on I just got a text." She paused, then whirled around to face Seahawk, who was still pointing his phone down his pants. "I said I wasn't fucking _horny_!"

"I thought you said she liked you," Bow said. Seahawk chortled.

"We have a _rich_ and _complicated_ past-"

"I fucking hate you." Mermista glared venomously at him. "…Wait I'm horny again take your shirt off."

"You guys are the most toxic couple I have ever seen," Bow stated. "…I totally ship it."

"I still haven't forgiven you for setting the club we were in on fire," Mermista went on, sitting down on her throne.

"Bay-_beeeee_ I don't remember doing that," Seahawk replied, throwing himself onto her lap. "Like, literally. I was blackout wasted-"

"And then you set the bouncer on fire when they tried to kick us out."

"…Still not ringing any bells-"

"And then you set the jail on fire after we got arrested."

"…Okay I remember it now."

"What is with this guy and setting shit on fire?" Glimmer wondered aloud. "Is… is it a _sex_ thing?"

"Plus you gave me crabs."

"WHOA, I'M SORRY, _WHAT_?!"

Princess Mermista held up a pair of twitching crabs, their pincers snapping in the air.

"Crabs are a romantic gift!" Seahawk argued. "…Also I was broke- _YEEEEEK_!" He cut off in a shriek as Mermista threw them at him.

Ignoring the general stupidity of the conversation, Adora was studying the large mural on the wall beside her. Suddenly she gasped aloud.

"Hey, this is First One writing!"

"Really? What does it say?" Glimmer asked excitedly.

"Something about…" Adora squinted her eyes. "…The Gate, I think."

"Maybe it's an instruction manual!" Glimmer clapped her hands. "We could use it to fix the Gate!"

"It says…we should try turning it off and turning it on again."

They all stood there in silence.

"…It's so crazy, it _just_ might work!" Bow whispered.

"Princess Mermista, you need our help, and we need yours," Glimmer said, turning to her. "If we can fix your Gate, would you consider joining the Princess Alliance?"

"Hell, I'd do it if you just got rid of Seahawk," Mermista grumbled.

"Oh, we were going to do that anyway," Glimmer assured her. "Probably push him off the boat or something."

"I mean just get him out of here, not, like, _kill_ him."

"Ohhhh, riiiight, _totally_ what I meant-"

"Stay close to me, buddy," Bow whispered to him. "You need protection."

"It's cool, I got condoms," Seahawk said with a wink.

-Later-

Later that day, the four of them stood in front of the shimmering Sea Gate on a floating platform high up in the air. The Gate flickered weakly like a dim bulb.

"I really hope you know what you're doing," Bow muttered under his breath.

"Of course I do. Trust me." Adora held up her sword and quickly transformed into She-blah.

"Hey, uh, just wondering," Glimmer said uncertainly, "but what exactly are you going to do to fix the Gate?" She paused. "…I swear to God if you say-"

"Punch it."

"Godammit Adora!"

"Why would you expect anything else?" Bow asked.

"Because I didn't know any better shut up." As She-blah began punching the Gate repeatedly, Glimmer glanced down at the shore below. At the dock, Seahawk was struggling to untie his boat with his injured arms, getting ready to depart. "Oh thank God I thought he'd never leave." Bow glared at her and she let out a weary sigh before teleporting down to him. "Where are you- stop screaming, it's just me- where are you going?"

"Somewhere where I'm _wanted_," Seahawk said as he crossed his arms, screamed a little, and uncrossed them again.

"…Okay so nowhere then."

"Very funny." He sniffed and turned away, hurt. "I just need some me time, alright? It wasn't always like this, you know. I used to have friends…a _crew_. Every day was an adventure with them, sailing across the Grand Line, working to fulfill my dream of becoming the King of the Pirates-"

"That's One Piece."

"Whatever you get what I mean!"

"Well what happened to them? Your crew?" Glimmer narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Don't tell me you _annoyed_ them all away. Like us."

"Oh, heavens, NO."

"Then what-"

"I set them on fire."

"OH MY _GOD_-"

"Anyway," Seahawk went on, "what's the point of staying here if I'm not getting any…"

"Well, you have to respect Mermista's decision-" Glimmer began.

"…one to take me seriously," he finished.

"Oh." Glimmer blinked in surprise. "I…I know what you mean, Seahawk. I really do. My mom-"

"Also I'm not getting any ass."

"OKAY I'M DONE."

"Glitter," Seahawk said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We've just met, but I can tell that you are a _brave_ soul and _generous_ soul." He paused heavily. "…Could you pay my parking ticket? Apparently this is a handicap space, also I was double-parked-"

"ENOUGH." Glimmer crumpled up the ticket and tossed it over her shoulder. "Listen to me. You still have friends- well, maybe not friends, but…people who are willing to spend more than five minutes with you. Okay? …Unless you set us on fire."

"Of course not!" Seahawk quickly put down the gasoline and matches.

Back up top, She-blah was still punching the Gate repeatedly, grunting with each blow. "WHY. WON'T. YOU. WORK?!"

"Maybe try hitting it harder?" Mermista suggested, eyes glued to her phone.

"Good idea!"

"Uh, you guys, I don't think this is working," Bow piped up.

"Nonsense!"

*_Boom_!*

They all staggered as the entire Sea Gate shook violently, trembling from the foundations.

"Wow, nice one!" Bow whistled.

"That wasn't me!" She-blah protested, looking around in confusion. "There!" She pointed at the Horde ship below them, sailing towards the Gate and firing a green laser. A huge hole had opened up in the Gate's curtain, gaping wide.

On the ship, Catra stood at the prow, peering through her telescope. She caught sight of She-blah and grinned.

"Keep us going," she snapped at Scorpia, who was manning the main cannon. "I've got something more important to do."

"Okay, go ahead, take a bathroom break!" Scorpia nodded with a quick salute.

"What? No, that's not what-"

"You sure? Cuz I _always_ forget to go before we leave. And then I'm stuck and have to hold it in for like hours, it's the _wooorst_, and then I get these really bad UTIs that just will NOT-"

"FUCKING FORGET IT!" Catra turned and dashed off. Scorpia watched her leave, then danced in place.

"…Aww, dang! Now _I_ have to go."

"Oh God, they're coming straight for the Sea Gate!" Bow wailed back up top. "They're not even going to politely wait in line for their turn! These people are _animals_-"

"Ugh, the Horde is SO annoying." Mermista held up her phone and snapped a pic. "I'm uploading this to my Instagram and telling everyone how rude you are!" she shouted down at them. "Get ready for some hate-mail!"

"Keep them busy, you guys," She-blah said, turning back to the Gate. "I'll keep punching!"

"Alright! Here I go!" Mermista leapt up high, her legs transforming into a majestic mermaid's tail as she soared through their air…and then flopped right back onto the platform with a wet splat where she lay like a dead fish, her tail twitching. The others just stared at her awkwardly. "Uhh, could someone, like, _roll_ me off of here and into the water? Thaaanks."

"I gotchu!" Bow rolled her off the edge and she hit the water far below with a loud splash. Using his trusty bow and arrow with a rope combination, he managed to swing aboard the enemy vessel and immediately came face-to-face with Lonnie. They both stared at each other for a long moment. "…Represent."

"Represent," Lonnie answered. Then they turned and went their separate ways.

"…The fuck was that about?"

"Shut up, Kyle, you wouldn't understand."

Mermista splashed up out of the water, smashing the boat with violent waves while Bow went about sabotaging the main cannon. Force Captain Scorpia suddenly appeared and plucked him right up off his feet.

"Wow, okay, you're big," he stated.

"And you're adorable!" she said right back.

"Aww, thank you!"

"And now you're dead."

"Wait what-"

Scorpia flung Bow away, and he flew screaming through the air towards a whirring turbine.

"_I came in like a wrrrreeecking ball_!" Seahawk sang, swinging in on a rope and snatching him away to safety.

"Wow, thanks!" Bow gushed, clinging to him. "Are your arms feeling better?"

"Nope!" Seahawk replied. "They're still broken!"

*_Pop! Pop_!*

He screamed and they fell onto Seahawk's boat in a crumpled heap.

"Great job, you saved him!" Glimmer cried from the wheel. "…Why are your arms bent that way-"

"What now?" Mermista asked, leaping up onto the ship and regaining legs. Everyone glanced at the Horde boat, which continued to fire at the Sea Gate.

"I think I know how to stop them," Glimmer said. "Seahawk, I need you to do what you do best." He stared at her blankly.

"…Flirt?"

"No, not that. The other thing."

"Oh." He blinked. "Have sex with it?"

"NO!"

"Then _what_?!"

"Set. Your ship. On FIRE," Glimmer ground out. Seahawk stared at her wide-eyed, then slowly lifted up a gas can and some matches.

"…I have the _weirdest_ boner right now."

"Save it for later, babe," Mermista called.

She-blah continued to struggle high above the battle, punching the Gate to no avail.

"Dammit, this isn't working!" She paused to catch her breath. "…Maybe if I head-butt it-"

"_Heyyy_, Adora," Catra purred, suddenly right in front of her. She-blah glared and flexed her arms.

"Catra, what a coincidence! I just warmed up my punching muscles."

"Your stupid tiara looks dumber the longer I stare at it," Catra sneered.

"Says the cat with the face guard that makes you look like that meme of a cat with a piece of toast on its face bitch what's up?" She-blah shot back.

"Don't get into an insult battle with me, Adora." Catra's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You _know_ I'll win. I fight dirty." She held up a bag of kitty litter. "REAL dirty." She paused. "Seriously, my litter-box is fucking disgusting. Hurry up and come back."

"If you're still trying to convince me to come back to the Horde, you're really not doing a good job. Now I definitely don't want to go back."

"Check it out. With you gone, I got a promotion." Catra tapped her Force Captain badge. "Now _I'm_ top student."

"Oh please," She-blah scoffed. "You couldn't raise your GPA with a _year's_ worth of extra credit-"

"What the hell is WITH you?!" Catra burst out impatiently. "Just yesterday this was your dream job, and NOW look at you. You're a walking shampoo commercial! How is your hair even doing that? There is _literally_ no wind."

"I don't know, okay, and frankly, I'm a little scared." She-blah eyed her waving hair and shuddered. "Anyway, I told you before, I am NOT going back."

"Alright, fine. I give up." Catra shrugged and turned away. She-blah blinked.

"Wow, really? That was eas-"

"Hah!" Catra whirled around, throwing kitty-litter into her eyes. She-blah cried out and staggered back. "I can't believe you ditched me for this!" Catra snarled at her. "Screw you _and_ your stupid new friends _and_ your stupid hair- _mrroowwr_!" She-blah's hair suddenly whipped around and smacked her in the face. "Oh God it's attacking me it comprehends insults-" She stumbled backwards and fell off the platform, plummeting into the ocean below.

On the Horde boat, Scorpia suddenly straightened and sniffed the air.

"I sense…a _disturbance_. Catra is in danger! I must go to her!" She turned and leapt off the boat with a splash. Lonnie and Kyle just stared.

"…Should we like…throw her a lifejacket or something?" Kyle asked after a moment.

"No, she'd probably just pop that one, too." Lonnie glanced up and gasped. "Oh shit!" Another boat was sailing towards them on a collision course, engulfed in flames.

"_Adventuuuure_!" Glimmer and Seahawk cried jubilantly from the wheel before teleporting safely away. The boat smashed into the Horde vessel and exploded in a giant ball of flame. The Horde soldiers screamed and abandoned ship.

"…How much gasoline did you have on that fucking boat?" Glimmer asked in amazement. She turned to find Seahawk and Mermista aggressively making out. "Oh God ew warn me next time."

"Sorry. I got horny again."

Once the make-out session was over, everyone finally teleported up to the platform with She-blah, cheering triumphantly.

"Awesome, guys! You did it!" she said. "Here, hold my tiara while I start head-butting this thing."

"Ooh, let me!" Bow cried excitedly. He put the tiara on and posed for a pic with Mermista.

"…How does he look better in it than I do."

Far down below, Catra flopped up out of the waves, choking out a mouthful of water, hair plastered over her face. She glared up at the celebrating friends and hissed in disgust.

"This day can't get _any_ fucking worse-"

Scorpia popped up beside her.

"CATRA! You okay? Are you drowning? You need mouth to mouth?! Don't worry, gonna do it anyway!" She threw herself on Catra, pulling her flailing into the water.

-Later-

The Sea Gate glimmered in the sunset as everyone gathered at the base.

"So, I figured out why the Sea Gate was almost out of juice," Adora was explaining. She turned to Mermista. "You were using it to charge your cell phone."

"Oh. Whoops. My bad." She yanked the cord out and the Sea Gate immediately hummed back to life, the holes sealing closed as full power was restored. "Great, now I have to find another plug." She glanced over at Seahawk and sighed. "And I guess you need a new ship. Just take one of mine." She gestured over to a new ship floating in the bay. Her guard/butler/personal trainer promptly smashed a bottle of champagne on the side, paused, then started chugging the rest out of the broken bottle. "…It's okay he deserves it."

"It's beautiful!" Seahawk cried in delight.

"Don't fucking set it on fire or I'll set _you_ on fire."

"…Even _weirder_ boner," Seahawk whispered, then cleared his throat and turned to Mermista. "Princess…can I please ask for one more favor?" He got down on one knee, gazing up at her with a serious expression. Everyone stared as he reached out and tenderly took her hand. "…Can we smash?"

"OKAY sorry to interrupt this touching moment- like, literally, stop touching each other," Glimmer cut in, "but would you please, PLEASE just join the Princess Alliance already?"

"Yeah sure whatever, the Horde is just asking for an ass-whooping after what they did," Mermista sniffed. "…Plus your friend can turn into a hot eight-foot-tall lady with a sword and I kind of want a piece of that."

"_Baaaabe_!" Seahawk cried in dismay, then cocked an eyebrow. "…Are we talking a three-way?"

"How about a _five_-way?" Bow cried, drawing everyone into a group hug. "Aww! See, guys? Isn't this great- bitch are you _texting_?"

"What? No. Of course not."

*_Tik tik tik_*

"_GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE_!"

-Episode 5 End-


End file.
